"Numbers"

8, 13, 138 & 813

believe it or not, these are numbers that I always see, hear and have connected to me in someways. Most people, including myself, will also understand that here we observe a psychological phenomenon known as selective memory. Simply, it means I see crtain numbers because I want to see them, because perhaps they have been corelated to a particular event (eg. 813 was my dormatory room no. in HK, desk no. 13 was where I sat in my first job, 13/08 was the date I had my belly pierced, etc.) linked to certain important phases of my life, ignoring occurences of other numbers when they appear, and eliminating the chance of any other number to become "my" number.

Do we make our own reality?

2 days ago, I met up with some friends who have been living in Australia after college... and the last time we met up was some 4 years ago. Coincidentally, right after I return from my travels, one of them got in touch with me over MSN. So it was amazing for me, how they were still very much the same. Same goof, same loving and same fun. While exchanging some updates about our lives, I mentioned that it's strange I haven't bumped into "the rest of the other people" from college, considering that Singapore is a pretty small place. Well never say never, the next day I accompanied my sister to get some wine for our <>. And there at the wine cafe, I found one familiar face.
Connection or Coincidence? Coincidence.

Last night when I returned home, I got news about a friend who came down with viral infection of the brain and was admitted to the hospital. Apparently, we got some news that her condition had lapsed into comatose. When we went to visit her at the hospital this morning, it was comforting to know she has regained conciousness.

"Why?", was the question that kept me up all night. As much as I am aware, such situations are rare - "Unknown viral infection of the brain". But this is the 2nd time I've heard it happen to someone. First was a sister of a friend, and now a friend of my own.

In the lift ride up to the ward, I overheard a conversation reading out the bed number => bed 813. I was looking at lift buttons. There was 13 floors in this building. Destiny or Selective memory?
Unknown.

Last night before I went to bed, I was upset with a close friend over a present. She told me I didn't have to make her a present because she feels that since we are great friends, it was not important to spent too much time and effort on it. At the end it was a misunderstanding and I know she meant well, but I couldn't help feeling rejected, that it seemed she was not interested in the gift I was making for her.

Yes. Presents. What you think about giving presents. An obligation? Or a gesture of courtesy? Are you sincere? What do you think about receiving a present? How some presents and the person that gave them doesn't seem mean anything at the end of the day, and how some presents you will always remember and keep them close. And what it means to be appreciative? What if you dun like the present or it wasn't suitable? Are you going to be the honest friend? Or you will pretend to like it so everybody is happy? It's just a present eh? But it's becoming a big headache.

Last night I dreamt about my photographs from my travel. I have "cleverly" exchanged a Cannon digital camera for a Nikon manual camera. => before my flight, I carelessly left the cannon in Lithuania after I got drunk. Nikon was the beautiful present from Iggy. The pictures of London and Portugal from the Nikon have not been printed yet. So, it came up in the dream, that I had gotten them printed and was searching through all the photos looking for a picture which I wanted to send to Portugal. It continued that I didn't find it, and the rest of the pictures were all blurred. :(
well, in reality, I have got the negatives of the all the pictures, and most of the pictures in that roll of film look quite clear from the negatives.


I'd like to live everyday like there is magic... would it become delusional?
I'd like to remember everyday ... could it even be possible?

That which keeps you pure inside...

I remember a line from friend Egle...

"Crying keeps you pure inside."

After I did a little search... I found that tears and crying had a number of symbolic meanings.

"... crying as an emotional reaction is considered by many to be a uniquely human phenomenon, possibly due to humans' advanced self-awareness."
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tears

"Gold, to the Incas, was the 'sweat of the sun' and Silver the 'tears of the moon.' "
- http://www.crystalinks.com/incan.html

"...when the Tartar barbarians (Mongols) invaded China, dragons cried for the people. When the tears came to Earth, they changed to jade... Jade is thought to be able to help a person just by being in contact with it. The feel of cool jade is said to elevate and purify thoughts, to quiet the mind, and to induce a state of contemplation. "
- http://bosp.kcc.hawaii.edu/Horizons/Horizons2002/Chinese_Jade.html

"
(1) Women cry five times as much as men.
(2) Typical crying episodes last 6 minutes for men and women.
(3) Tears are more often shed between 7 and 10 p.m.
(4) No correlation of age with crying frequency exists.
(5) 85 percent female and 73 percent male report they feel better after crying."
- http://www.primalinstitute.com/newsletter/bernfeld1.html


Hmm...

New Look

Decided to change the blog template for a fresh new look for the coming new year. I still get a mild shock when the bright lime page loads, then in a split of a second, I remember that I have changed it a day ago.

Monday 18-Decmber-2006

It rained since I woke up at midday. Infact, it is still raining right now. Heavily. And for the whole of today, I was working hard at job searching. Now, just taking a short "Time-Out". The job listings were sorted by dates, and the job titles were switching between Developement Engineer, Test Engineer, Design Engineer, Purchaser, Manager, Assistant Manager, Financial Advisor, Investment Consultant, Customer Relationship Officer, Accountant, Marketing Executive, Sales Executive, Banker, etc. I scan through line after line, Woooph... made me dizzy little bit...

But well I need to find a job fast fast fast...

Zoukout 2006 Weekend

I just reached home after the weekend partying. In 2 hours, I will need to meet a consultant for a weekend tutor post @ the community centres. Haven't slept much since Friday, but I decided to skip the sleep and put an entry instead. Now and then it occurs to me, that I'd prefer not to sleep, not to waste time.

Last weekend, I went to Zouk Out 2006 with a bunch of friends. It was a dance music festival @ Sentosa Island with lots of people (--> big beach party). Organised in collaboration with STB's (Singapore Tourism Board) "Uniquely Singapore" campaign, I believe it was a party aimed at completing the hip and happening, dance party nightlife image for Singapore, in hope of attracting more tourists to Singapore. It was a success because there were alot of people at the event. There were many drink stands, toilet areas and several stages (I think 4 or 5). WE stayed til the morning at about 7.30am and had arranged a private transport to pick us from the beach back home. WE thought about afterparty at a friends place, but I guess everybody was too tired and decided to head back home.

To meet up with friends was really nice, and honestly, it was the saving grace for the night's party. I didn't talk to anybody else. There was a foreigner man who offered to take a picture of me and Yun. We didn't even ask. And while I turned my back to him to check the pictures, he actually came up behind me and had his head over my shoulder so close that I could feel his body heat. In the same moment, I felt his hands on my hips and I stepped away as fast as I could react. As I turned to him, he raised both his hands into the air in plea for innocence, like as if he was confronted by policemen. I can't help but raised my brows at this pathetic attempt of his. I replied in honest hostility, "What's up man?" He puffed his cheeks in speechlessness and decided to give up and walk on.

Well, sometimes I wish to go to a party where I can smile at everybody and be nice. You can be a flirt, a heart breaker, whatever kind of lifestyle you seek. You don't have to be flawless, but this, dear readers, is sexual harassment. You can still meet nice people at parties now and then. And of course, there will always be all sorts of bastards in the world. But once in a while when these assholes turn up, it kills the love.

--> Miss Lovelight commented, "Zoukout is a commercial success, but not a spiritual one"

--> Miss PhiPhi thought, "... this is definitely not a "love" event.."

Sentosa has beautiful shorelines. They are small, but at sunrise and sunset, the silhouette of leaning coconut trees look absolutely picture perfect.

Cost of party:
SGD 48 (at entrance. Luckily we had prior reservations and credit card privillege discounts, we paid only SGD 34)
Drinks not included:
SGD 24 (total of 4 drinks that claimed to be alcoholic, but all I tasted was redbull and seven-up with ice)
Transport and island entrance:
SGD 10

********************************

Extreme Chilli Experience

Have you ever stuffed chilli in your face untill u sniff, choke and sob...?

The chilli experience can indeed be very extreme sometimes. The pain in the tongue, lips, stomach, and so on. To seek these experience takes more than a little courage in oneself. And when the sweat beads start to collect, then there is a feeling of expulsion, and mild relief of the tension built up from the taste of spiciness.

So I am home in Singapore now. Everything is so familiar, but I no longer feel the same about things at all. I've been going on long trips for 4 times now. First was a 6 months period working in Hong Kong, 2nd was a 2 months trip to India, 3rd was another 3 months trip to India, 4th was the past 6 months in Europe. Each time, homecoming always felt somewhat dull. End of the adventures. And this time, it is starting to feel difficult.

The pace, the beat, the vibes, the culture, the people, are all different. It's all about chic, style and wallet. Sitting in pretty pubs, fancy restaurants, earning the bucks. Marketing a new product, public taste assesment, competition, judging if item A is better than B. Investments, job opportunities, better job opportunities, house, car, shopping, spending. Who do you want for a bf, does he have the cash? Someone says, it's not about cash babes, but it's better if he is rich... isn't it?

Well, where is all these going, and if there is any meaning at all.

I have gathered many experiences and inspirations on my travel. And I was bursting with energy, to want to come home to seek the life I love, to want to be happy. Yet while I walked out of the airport and hopped on the taxi home, the air is humid and heavy, it's getting dizzy here. It felt harder to breathe.

Today I went to meet some friends in Zouk, one of our favourite clubs in town. Good music, good parties, and a great chill out bar. Then we went to Clarke Quay, where it used to be warehouses by the river in the past. Now, a myriad of bars, clubs and pubs have occupied area. They boast of classy hang outs, every inch and corner looked like it was polished and smoothed out to perfection. Not a single piece of trash on the ground. CHIC, is the style. Someone at the table asked me if I wanted to look younger and passed me a flyer publicising for the launch party of some beauty care product - Renoasis. On the flyer printed, "Dress code - Smart chic". Apparently, they say that this product uses Nanotechnology and can penetrate 7 layers of the skin, where the naturally based components can work on your system and regulate your hormonal balance for younger, fuller skin.

What is chic you might ask, or you already know. Anyway, I would explain it as the "super model" look, that every piece of garment or accessory on you needs to look just they way they were made for. Wear the design, or it is simply out.

So everybody looks like a super model, and wants to sashay down the walkways. Make a pose and make a round. Head turns, somebody bitches.

I got home at about 4am in the morning, still suffering from jetlag. I listen to some music, desperately trying piece everything together. The Europe trip, the homecoming, and future.
*Blank*
Everything was disconnected ... Attempting to join the dots was futile and hopeless. I made myself a bowl of noodles, stuffed it with chilli paddies (the really small but really spicy ones) and ate them. Just for the adrenaline rush. Just to burn my lips, feel the pain and to breathe. My nose started to run. IT was super spicy. And tears were flooding up.


*****
wake up to the kiss of a cat, hitchhike to the next town for a party, drink piktas in BlueOrange, sit in the kitchen and talk, jump into a lake, eat strawberries from the garden, pick mushrooms in the forest, spin rocks, jump into the sea in middle of the night, lay on the grass and watch the stars, sleep by the river bed, sleep by the highway, watch the sunset, wake up to the kiss of a dog, wake up to the sounds of seagulls, walk into a cafe with a friend behind the counter, have a double expresso after breakfast at Rua de Camoes, paint the walls, 5 policemen for 1 parking ticket, kiss twice and say hello, run and laugh in the rain, wink and say hello, break a bottle, hide the keys, laugh and choke on pasta, dance.

Mind Travel, Time Travel, Space Travel

Travel is beyond surface beauty of landscapes, nature and view. Travel is also culture crossing, globalisation, and time travel.

Go to India - Delhi, Taj Mahal, Tharr Desert, Hampi, Pink City, White City, Blue City, Goa, Dharamsala... The narrow streets, markets, foodstalls, chai shops, traffic, rickshaws, buses. *blink* - 1950s - 1970s. The villages in Lithuania, forests, lakes, Pagan crosses reminds me of the heavy cast iron mugs in Medieval times. The working crowd here are hopeful, ambitious, driven and forceful. Porto, dances in a somewhat 1990s beat. Spain is in a totally different language :) London zapps you back for shopping, spending; go underground and it's hip and happening with the fast growing rebels of bureaucratic living. Trance parties are like in space, everything seems alittle more strange than usual, people seem more natural than usual, and the world seem to gather with representatives of each continent. Always you can ask, "Where are you from?"

After this question, the identity is held strong, but the borders, that we are from different places, is crossed. Communication. We are all from same planet aren't we?

My "doing nothing" here in Europe is unforgivable. You can judge me. Infact, I haven't visited half of Europe, something which most people would cover in one trip, in 2 months perhaps. But about meeting the people, I am loving it. And I've seen my first snow in Kaunas. I spent most of my time dreaming. Here I meet my dreams and find new ones. What we will do without dreams? Sometimes I could visualise the thin boundaries separating dream and reality diminishing. Chasing a dream, living a dream. :)

I'm now in London. Intially I was really depressed from leaving Lithuania, and absolutely lost in my first days here. Speak to no one, nothing to give. Forced myself to go for some party, somewhere. Then suddenly the city takes me, slaps you in the face and says "hello" to me. Welcome to London. No food and drinks in the club, and they took my chocolates from the bags. "Sorry love, it's the club rules," they say. 18 pounds entrance. Wow. But anyway music was great, party was alright and hey, no sense comparing. I don't think I see much of this place yet, I don't feel too much about just going to town to "see it". It was enough excitement crashing in the squat and going to their party to meet some people. Last night in the squat party, someone said to me, "... I always am excited to meet someone from other side of the globe," I replied, "Can you imagine how I feel being here now, on the other side of my globe?" :)

Earlier in the night I met up with some friends at the bar, talked about life and living. Where to go next, where is better. They mentioned about Singapore. I questioned my doubts about Singapore once again, an attempt to prepare myself for home coming. Home. Why I didn't like it enough even though I grew up there, why the effects of conditioning didn't happen for me so I wouldn't doubt home. Is it purely a psychological phenomenon where the moon is bigger, brighter and better somewhere else? Or was it real fears that I face about being conformed involuntarily and subconciously to the bureaucratic rule of the goverment? It's clean, convenient and comfortable in Singapore, the 3Cs. These are good things. But the law is crazy. No gums, no littering, no spitting, no smoking, no vandalism, no loiterring, no nudity, no illegal gatherings, yes canning, yes death penalty. Perhaps it's time to stand up to these fears, to break down the protective walls the goverment has build for us. It's time to open up and grow up. Don't protect us, let us learn. We are ready.

Yesterday was 5th Nov, Bonfire Night. Lots of fireworks display going on around here.

"Remember, remember, the 5th of November..."

Zero Degrees

Brrr... it's really getting cold here... :) my first zero degrees. Not a big deal, but it's a first.
The next thing is to wait for snow... apparently it already snowed in some parts of Kaunas and in Vilnus.

I hope I will be lucky.

Next Thursday...

Everyday is new day, no memories, only Today. And the future... holds future plans for home, for work, for new life.

I will fly to London next Thursday. I almost don't believe it, but I've been waiting. Lithuania has been an amazing place for me, every single emotion have been reached to the maximum, every thought clear. So, next thursday, I will be in London. Just a matter of a week (plus minus). Only today I realised when someone said, "So it's next Thursday?".

SO... next thursday.

Cat and Dogs

Kaunas Party

Kaunas <-> Vilnus <-> Kaunas

For a long long time, we've always went to Vilnus for parties. This time, they finally came to Kaunas! :)

Even though in Kaunas there really isn't much happening on the streets, there are some klubas (clubs) around the town, but the small town vibes still prevails! However, I must say it was a party of all times, all good friends and happie people. We first went to check out Rouge (where I did work for 3 days), which is at the moment, is one of our favourites in Kaunas. The night started slow, we adjourned home for the after party and watch a Lithuanian comedy (a little strange but was quite a teaser with its slapstick humour), and then suddenly there was sunlight... It was morning, we turned up some music, and everybody was dancing crazy!

Unfortunately, there were some unpleasant neighbours, who even came to the door and called us "drug users". Well, sorry neighbours but it was weekend. Guilt aside, the party was a blast!

*Pictures will be posted soon...

Crazy

Last night I was speaking with a friend. He told me how he lost his mind 3 years ago because of drugs. It was not addiction. I asked him if he feels alright now, he said yes. He continued and said some people get driven nuts because of problems in life, from disapointment in love and relationships, from a bankruptcy, from unemployment, or going through the death of close ones, from war. For him, he made his choice about a drug experience, and he didn't find any reason for regret about going nuts on it.

Everybody does some things to find themselves. Some people travel, go on holiday, run away from home, go to live overseas, some people work really hard, and for him, he conclude in retrospect to have found himself in this extreme mind opening drug experience, and coming through to find himself again after having gone crazy. Now, he sees the epic core of his mental distraction, and no longer finds the excuse for not knowing what to do, since he did nothing for a year. He believes that understanding and communication are most important for his spiritual evolution and that "work" is essential for the well being of any persons. We need to have something to do.

However much he has gain for himself, he finds that things have changed fast, and some of his friends have become somewhat distant.

I told him, in my opinion, nobody can be really considered crazy. Or, everybody is crazy in some ways.

I think the going crazy part was probably what people were telling him, and what he eventually told himself. I also think changes in friendships is normal and is best dealt with in acceptance.

Last night I couldn't sleep. with a hundred millions of thoughts and ideas speeding through my head. There are many things I want to do, too many "I"s to be. I guess I managed to sleep some hours eventually. After waking up, I cleaned the fridge, took a shower, made soup (pork ribs with potatoes, carrots, onions) 6 teas and 2 coffees. Today there were many guests in the house, mainly Iggy's clients. Also the plumber came to see the house for changing of pipes. Busy day, but I enjoyed it, as I have been pretty bored learning photoshop, and reading online texts.

Have you heard this song from the Beatles - Maxwell's Silver Hammer (Lennon/McCartney).
Check out this animation! http://www.funny-games.biz/animations/13-maxwellssilverhammer.html

I believe you'd agree with me that this indeed a strange and crazy song.

------------------------------------------------
Joan was quizzical; studied pataphysical
Science in the home.
Late nights all alone with a test tube.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Maxwell Edison, majoring in medicine,
Calls her on the phone.
"Can I take you out to the pictures,
Joa, oa, oa, oan?"

But as she's getting ready to go,
A knock comes on the door.

Bang! Bang! Maxwell's silver hammer
Came down upon her head.
Clang! Clang! Maxwell's silver hammer
Made sure that she was dead.

Back in school again Maxwell plays the fool again.
Teacher gets annoyed.
Wishing to avoid an unpleasant
Sce, e, e, ene,

She tells Max to stay when the class has gone away,
So he waits behind
Writing fifty times "I must not be
So, o, o, o.."

But when she turns her back on the boy,
He creeps up from behind.

Bang! Bang! Maxwell's silver hammer
Came down upon her head.
Clang! Clang! Maxwell's silver hammer
Made sure that she was dead.

P. C. Thirty-one said, "We caught a dirty one."
Maxwell stands alone
Painting testimonial pictures.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery
Say he must go free
(Maxwell must go free)
The judge does not agree and he tells them
So, o, o, o.

But as the words are leaving his lips,
A noise comes from behind.

Bang! Bang! Maxwell's silver hammer
Came down upon his head.
Clang! Clang! Maxwell's silver hammer
Made sure that he was dead.

Whoa, oh, oh, oh.
Silver hammer man.

Gold in the air of summer

Gold in the air of summer
- Kings of Convenience

We like giving anything away
I can say it's by the sea
It's a house that used to be
The home of a friendly mind

We like giving anything away
We find ships inside of bottles
When the garden's overgrown
The house is white, but the paint is coming off

I didn't know if you wanted to
But I came to pick you up
You didn't even hesitate
And now you and me are on our way
I think I've bought everything we need
Don't look back, don't think of the
All the places we should've been
It's a good thing that you came along with me

Gold in the air of summer
You'll shine like gold in the air of summer
You'll shine like gold in the air of summer
You'll shine like gold in the air of summer

5 Litas = 1 x Phiphi Happy Braids

I've had some intentions to look for work here, just wanted to experience life here for sometime. And now that I have very much emptied out my wallet and more, I will need that little bit of cash. I am lucky to find that I can help out at a friend's bar for some nights.

This is where I work.

While I also planned to make braids to support some part of my travel outside Lithuania, I didn't make enough to sell. Most of the braids I've made were presents to friends, and people I've met in travel. Until today. Today I got my first 5 LT. After returning to Lithuania, I've put some in Iggy's mum's gallery. And it happened that a teenage girl bought one of them, for 5 LT.

What does 5 LT do here in Lithuania? (exchange SGD 1 ~ 1.7LT)


1 x Packet of Barclay Ciggarettes








1 x 0.5L Svytury Baltus beer









1 x Phiphi Happy Braids

Please give me your Electronic Mailer Address!

Have you ever wondered what is real and what might not be?

Today I tried to email some friends from germany whom I've got to know at Shambala Festival. After writing my heartfelt emotions and updates of my current life, I then happily clicked on the "send" button, thinking to myself how good it is to have this connection.

*Poof* In less than 1 second (as impressed as I am with the speed nowadays), came a return mail from . Moritz's mail has failed to receive. Permenant failure.

Technical details of permanent failure:
PERM_FAILURE: SMTP Error (state 9): 550 Unknown local part

At this very instant, I flashed back to some memories of him and then in the very same moment doubted his existent. I also recall the same happened sometime ago, with Kimo's email (Finnish DJ).

Permenant failure email. Yucks.

I have a tiny, messy black book which I write my friends' contact information (or they write) inside. Never did I doubt the book nor the writer. Perhaps a slight suspicion that both of them have vanished or something.

So, keep in mind to check that your mailer works from time to time.

**POOOF***

-----------------------------------------------
This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification

Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:

Cocorosie

Saturday Morning.
I woke up early today after last night's party. Still feels drunk a little. But hmm... didn't think I had that much to drink anyway. Maybe it's the mix of wine, beer, and brandy. I started to listen to Cocorosie in the room alone. If you have heard cocorosie, you'd agree with me that their music is perfect for spending time alone and perfect for falling in love with another.

Sometime ago I wrote a mail to Yun. I ask her, if she would free fall with me. For her, I believe MoMo is her world. Her love, sanctuary, and her peace. Because she later replied "no matter what, momo will touch down tomorrow, and there will be plenty of free falling..."

I think while listening to Cocorosie, I fell in love with them. Very much. There's one song that says "I just want to be your housewife..." And it's quite a lovely picture, perfect housewives, lot's of TLC (tender loving care) , cosy vibes. But it also gets kind of obsessive and almost sadistic. Reminds me of my mother, the perfect housewife. Ohh... guess I missed mummy... :)

I want to freefall. I am already freefalling. who's ready?

By your side

I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I just wanted to be your housewife
All I wanted was to be your housewife
I'll iron your clothes
I'll shine your shoes
I'll make your bed
And cook your food
I'll never cheat
I'll be the best girl you'll ever meet
And for a diamond ring
I'll do these kinds of things
I'll scrub your floor
Never be a bore
I'll tuck you in
I do not snore
I'd wear your black eyes
Bake you apple pies
I don't ask why
And I trys not to crys
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
And it's nearly midnight
And all I want with my life
Is to be a housewife
Is to be a housewife
'Cause it's nearly midnight
And all I want with my life
Is to die a housewife
Is to die a housewife

The Niceistan Ideology

The Niceistan Ideology

Niceistan is the new established nation-state that has built its national identity rooted in goodwill and hospitality. A nation of free, open-minded and honest people of crazy nice-ness As the name suggests, Niceistan refers to the land of nice, nice, nice ("Nice - Istan"). Niceistan was first conceptualised on the sandy Baltic beaches of Pervalka (Neringa 1/2 Island), by Dragas, who was sitting amongst his friends hunged-over and sunburnt but probably very happy. Thus the start of "Niceistan" on 21st June 2006 in Baltic State Lithuania. Here in Niceistan, there're no laws, no ethical discussions of individual responsibilities, no malace. Here is freedom of being, freedom of love, good music, nice parties and beautiful people; where fluidity and connectivity nature of life is most intensively expressed. As with all good things, the Niceistan Ideology began to spread to others slowly but surely. In this age of capitalistic manipulation, violence and terrorism, more and more people have began on a journey of self-discovery, recognising the need to find and create space for peace and solace. Pioneered by Iggy M, it started the revolutionary movement of gathering all the nice people from different parts of the world and the nation started to grow as one connects through another.






Welcome to Niceistan, have a nice nice nice stay in Niceistan.





























"...we may be spoilt by goodness, arrogant in our freedom, but we are real and we love life with sincerety and altruism..."

Sudden Urge

Have returned 2 days ago to Lithuania, after ą month of intensive traveling and hitch-hiking. Spain, Portugal, Morroco. Back with a bag packed full of adventures, deeper insights and new perspectives. But also, I am exhausted both physically and mentally. Now suddenly, I feel a rush to go home to Singapore. To re-created the space and lifestyle that I like, to perhaps materialise this better imagination of love and life I've experience with all the people that I've met. And all the beautiful things in life.

Romantic, sentimental and staying connected.

As with all first meetings with people, questions questions and more questions. We are curious cats inside. What do u do in life, where are u from, what is your language, how long holiday do u have...

These questions are meaningless for me. I don't even know how to answer them if I were to be completely honest with myself. Talk is sometimes meaningless, I like better to connect via the shared experience of a common reality or the "imagined" common reality.

Sometimes I feel that questions form the expectations of the other individual. Well, most people expect some kind of answer to their questions. But hey there, it is actually alright to have no answer. So, keep it open always.

Missing post(s) - Phi Phi goes to meet the Eastern Western...

taip taip... (means "yes yes" in Lithuanian)

13th June 2006 - Flew from Singapore to London, got a connecting to Lithuania. And booom... here I am.

So yes yes, I am here in lithuania, still. Been here 6 weeks, going 7 I am guessing now. Full on partying and a whole new adventure here in Baltic Eastern Europe. Culture shock? Sure thing. But it's not so difficult after the first week, because here is my freedom of being, no longer judge by social norms of my origin, only being what I am. Here are free and open minds waiting to explore you, and perhaps the underlying desire to understand a whole new culture from Asia, the tann yellow skin that doesn't burn in the sun.

Have been meeting so many people that I can't possibly remember all their names. Solution? Smile and say Hi once again.

Many people ask how I do it. How to drop it all and leave. I told them it's only a decision after honest consideration with the self. What is life, and what keeps it going? For me, it could be anything. It may well be having a good career, some cash and a family. Or it could also be coming to Europe with 800 Euros in my pocket and with a return ticket dated 6 months after.

Maybe I'll work it out here, maybe I'll go home. Loads of possibilities, anything can happen if you are open to the possibilities.

4th August 2006 - Phi Phi Goes to Portugual with Iggy for Boom Festival

Ticket booked, so Portugal it is. Gonna make some hair braids on the way. Give some, sell some. Should be really cool I think.

a post for Beautiful Egle and Agne and Giedre

"... Because you're... Gorgeous!!!!! I'll do anything for you...."





... really love love love you girls! :)

Solitude

I was so stressed out for the last day of work. Well it's stupid you think. And I do agree. I should really be happy, relaxed and finally a new burst of freedom in life. I was almost nauseous.

well, that's ideal. In reality, you face your deepest fears, your most unheard voice and the worst questions when you embark on the journey into the path less travelled, and obviously, never been before.

Took a shower for over an hour, of course also did the essentials of face mask, fingers, toes scrubbing. It was the most relaxing hour i've had in 2 weeks. By myself. Surprise, surprised.
Solitude and shower seemed like the cure to all my doubts and anxiety.

In a myraid of events, tasks and administratives, I felt the few bits of me that was having the life here in Singapore were being torn. Handing over of my duties at work, clearing the room, packing up, and leaving my bf behind. I felt as if I was going away for the longest time, the indefinite forever, which in real life will end when the ticket dies in 6 months.

The only issue that eventually caught up with me and left me hanging was my bf. How I do not know what I will do about him. How I sometimes feel guilty for leaving. But I figured he wasn't sure about me afterall and I was having an almost non-existent bf. Sometimes I have to remind myself, that he is after all my bf. The bad effects of "Non-Commital" but want to be together - Jadedness. Somehow, I chose to stay with him.

Well, the wheel spins, people leaving, people come around, everybody hurt somebody sometimes.

Or choose solitude, only be with myself.

on my way to London

on my way to London, how does it feel?

I am scared I suppose, to meet the unknown, and even though I am going to meet with a dear friend, I feel a sense of doubt since we haven't met in long time.

Things here have become numbed and dull. I dun even know what's going on half the time.

Always before I get to sort out anything, I am already so tired... and I just sleep it away...

cry to sleep, and wake up... same shit different day.. less stinky now it seems.. but well, fact it we humand develop tolerance too fast...

Before I know it, everything isn't that bad anymore... but everything pieces into a monotonous humming...

Killing yourself...

All the time, the road to freedom, seems a road of sacrificing a part of myself, that I want to be free from.

Freedom from myself. Then I'll need to kill myself... sacrifice the ego, the form, and the identity.

Freedom from love, that's detachment, as if you don't care... "Zen" - ness and unaffected by things people you love do.

Freedom from yearning, so I stopped wanting things. Stopped finding things that i want to do. so the heartbeat also soften and stops.

self destructive generation of the new millenium. that's us. walking the sacrificial road to freedom

what's left is a tiny buzz in ur head, telling you that you are still alive.
and sometimes it feels like life is wasted.

Run Away

Well, not exactly running from anything. What really happened was that I went for a run. Today. Exciting. It rained alittle, but I liked it more. The park is less crowded, I get my peace and ample time with Nature.

Kinda cleared up my mind a little. Feeling much better today. I really got tired of my own excuses, and procrastination. I feel like have a million thoughts in my head, but I hardly get down to anyone of them.

Sometimes we whine, meaningless. Might as well get started.

Thank you

hey hey my dear friends,
Just wanna say a big thank you to you all you guys... you dears have taken care of me...
all the time & everytime

I dunno what else to say except..

HUGZ!!! and I LOVE YA ALL!!!

Tammy thing

any by the way, that Tammy NYP thing, any body know what happened to the people who posted in on the net / stole the phone? Scott free?!

What is wrong with Singaporeans?

They should really nail the people who's been so mean, by posting it on the internet. Pls spare tammy, social pressure should be on the despicable bitch/bastard that did it to her.

The "muu" state, or not?

I could sleep all day, call it the "muu" state or the escapist. No need to wake up, no need to get somewhere, no need to think about what I should do for my life.

When I was 12, I use to think I could do everything. Now, I think, I can't do anything at all.
Everthing's reduced to the smallest, slightest, most meaningless.

Who's the rock star? who's the babe?

There is no Babe, Phi, there's you and your demons or angels. IT's a constant battle, who wins takes the throne, and it's a never ending fight, more demons, more issues, more baggage.

it's the battle that ages you, phi. Your face starts to crease, you eyes droop, and your cheeks puff up.

Innocence, lost, or murdered?

Mazzy Star

"The voice. The spare, haunting music. The face. The evocative lyrics. Hope Sandoval. David Roback. The other guys in the band. The whole trippy Mazzy Star experience. That's what you're here for--right?"

sheesh.. has anybody heard a Mazzy Star? it is indeed haunting or u can try saying soothing...

anyway, I Looove it.

next destinations

where's the next place? we keep wanting to move, wanting a fresh start. we are bored.
are we bored of the place , sick of repetitive routine, or simply bored of ourselves - as Ron puts it...

Somewhere in the world we may set out feet upon, the beautiful fresh scent first charms us, lure us and then in time becomes normal, and we want to set out for more.

this more and wanting. seems lethal, addictive enough to make u kill for more... displacement of oportunity costs, values, and even responsibility. To want to set off, set free, into nothing...

Melodrama. Or revelation?

Welcome Happy New Year

Welcome to the new year. New ambitions, new hopes and new resolutions. Well, what's new?

2005 passed in a flash, but not without a trace. Loads of memories to stick with a long time to come... Great year I must say. It's never all that pretty and nice, but becos of that, it's perfect.
I've done a first travel alone in India, first breath of tank air in Koh Phi Phi, first time in a job more than 6 months in Tuas, first time sharing a bottle of wine between 2 and going for more, first camera, first time riding scooter, first zouk out, first ferry corsten, first love.

First understanding of love. First feeling of freedom and peace, first scent of tranquility. First light. There's a hippie in all of us.

Bin says that he feels year 2006 is going to be a good year for all of us. That intense positivity is lovely.