Madness

Do you sometimes hear yourself talking in your head? I think most people do. Deciding which colour to wear, deciding what to eat, deciding what to do. If we only decided with 1 voice, then we won't take so long and there will be no conflict.
I think most women have more than 1 voice. maybe 3, I dunno.

Ronny said to me that we don't really have control over what we think.

I think it is quite true. We can probably design the guidelines on how we want to think. But what we really think about, there's no escaping.

For example, my boyfriend leaves me => [OOPS.. MISREPRESENTED, that is to say, I was just stating a senario]. I want to think that I am a strong girl and I can handle the new life that I now have. Yet I am choking on tears and gasping for air and my face cringes.

Yun says all the time, you make your own reality.

But sometimes, I think, isn't reality what things really are?... like some kind of underlying truth that exists in everything...

It seems people who live by making their own reality are happier and clearer about themselves. And others who allow life to take them along, seem to get lost more easily.

Recently, I have been absolutely pissed and annoyed by one thing. My ex-Company hasn't paid me my salary for February. Idiots. If needs be, I will end the world with them (as the chinese saying, "Tong Gui Yu Jin"). It's a small amount of money, but it's what I worked for. And if they don't pay, it's outright exploitation. People with no conscience to pay out salary to their staff are as good as the pigs feeding on trash.

We are all going to die one day, rich or poor, whatever you do. So why don't we try do some good before we disappear?

Heroes - The crazy marathon

{Heroes}... The crazy marathon we did last night for the thriller drama serial. 18 episodes in one night! Woohoo... we did it - me, Justin and Zad. In between I kinda heard Al's voice, saw Tim topless as they both rushed out to the airport for flight. Al was going for work, Tim was going to meet his gf Val in Hong Kong. How nice :) And then Gabby joined us towards chapter 14 I think... the one I dozed off...

Well I must say we were victorious at the end of it this morning 10am. and I have not quite slept yet. Infact, on my way home this morning, I felt alive. Alive for not having slept, and of course, the amazing drama serial replaying itself in my head.

I don't watch TV that much, but for those movies and drama about some spiritual awakening of the self, like discovering and fufiling a destiny, and exploring the greater purpose in life, deeper understanding of past-present-future, like a being a special hero to save the world, like in {Heroes}, like in {Lost}, I am sold.

somewhere in it, said, the choice is between true happiness and the meaning of life. To be a happy "dumb" or to ponder on the meaning in past, present, and future life. Complexity. Can a human brain not think for one second? Can you not think and smile happily for eternity?

I am definitely a complex being.

"I think, therefore I am." - René Descartes

Moment of peace - Club 63

I spent last weekend once again at Club 63. The place we talk about our dreams, our problems, shared our music and every other funny thing like in a fruvi spa photo session. We remade the "Thai Dinner" that we couldn't get over after returning from Koh Phang An.

These are my wonderful friends from Singapore :P

Weeeeee.....!!

**Koh Phang An**










Full Moon Party...

Age of Change, Beginning of the New Age

While I've lived my past 26 years in peace and comfort, the most difficult storms in life were borne by my father. Fighting and competing for our family's survival, giving all to exchange for a better life. But well, truly, the quarter of a century is the turn of the age. The old to past, and the new to begin.

It feels like everything is approaching the edge. Just this year, I had news of 3 uncles and 1 aunt having admitted to the hospital, and my grandmother's memory problem has deteriorated. Sometimes it's ok, and other times it just became general confusion, she didn't manage to sort out the Chinese New Year in order of 1) Chu - Xi Reunion Dinner, 2) Chu - Yi, and 3) Chu - Qi - Ren - Ri. Life is frail.

My computer also has memory problem. Insufficient memory and RAM to run Photoshop, and to store the photos and music that I have. In short, it needs to be upgraded. My phone screen got smashed, need to fix. The furniture in the house is old, the fridge too small, the sewing machine we use now was from my mum's dowry.

It's in need of some changes, improvements, and new beginnings. Starting from zero, it is a very real need for me to take on the new age, to make things better. Oh, how I've always hated competition and am reluctant to get into the viscous cycle of work life. I've never seen any light to that kind of commitment. Just selling my time for money, and then 20 years past...

Everytime I face the questions of what I want to do, first I have a myriad of thoughts flying through my head, but none that I can catch hold for any time long enough. And at the very edge of things, I become a realist. I need a job, I need the money, I do the job. Even though I know it will be a soul-less investment of time, I do it. The big plans are risky. And some plans will never work. Because an idealist's dreams, passions, work of art, may very possibly evaporate into nothing or crush like castles built on clouds.

But hell, dreams continue to burn inside... burn my brains, and I cannot hide my feelings... I even think I cannot be jaded. I find myself always looking for that extra surge, deeper experiences in life, and the moment of awakening. It is the spark about things, something to smile for, something to cry about.

Lost in my own thoughts, I feel somewhat suspended into mid-air. Neither here nor there, without compromise. Something needs to be done.