Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year - *old school but just as meaningfull

Hello all. whoever and wherever u are, reading this. Here are my heartfelt season's greetings to all you sweeties.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

This year I'll be spending Christmas eve at home with myself (and also toilet training Rhumby the Pug which has been staying in my house for the last week)

Spending Christmas eve alone isn't all that lonely a thing afterall. Most of my friends have gone overseas, so there isn't anything planned for the evening. I guess it can be a positive decision to want to spend some special time alone as well.

It may sound too much of solitude for many people, but since i've never done anything like this before, I thought it may be an experience worth a shot. So I didn't try to plan anything more.

However, today I have a bigger task at hand. Toilet training the Pug. It's about 4 years old and it had been toilet trained in the previous home. But since it moved to my place, he had been doing it outside which is good, but it also shit and pee-ed in the house. I've been trying to train it to use the toilet at home. but everytime we walk in there, it doesn't do anything but wait for the door to open and to get out.

Right now he's leashed to me, and everytime he tries to get my attention, I'll just bring it to the bathroom, or if it tries to relieve himself, then at least I can stop him in time and then bring him to the bathroom.

Argh... wished there was an easier way.

**

;) check out his arrogant face

A simple girl

Every girl has a dream. I have one to. Call me a helpless romantic or emo-bitch, either works. Like a simple girl, I like to share, love and be loved.

No, this isn't about BGR, a timeless debate about what women want and what keeps the men ogling. Or for that matter, why 50% of the time, people out grow each other and relationships simply expired.

This is about simple love. To share and to love. Friends, Family, Pets, Strangers. A sort of wordless simplicity, imagine a fuzzy white glow around everything, and a smile with peace and tranquility. Everything in Enlightened state. Even the tables and chairs.

Starting to sound unreal? It's a perspective. Perspective is as real as anything you and I see can mean for you or me.

What's the point? Why are there so many books on self help, self motivation, spiritually, pursuing happiness, pursuing success? Why is Man constantly striving to transcend this picture of struggle, unhappiness, lack of success, lack of money. We read books A - Z, to find an answer. Some books are great, we recommend it, some are too abstract and our minds are not ready.

What's the point, everybody has something to say anyway, right or wrong.

What's the point, in getting angry, jealous, irritated, frustrated, sad, when all these are self inflicted feelings and reaction. I can't feel what somebody else is feeling. Not exactly, I feel for everything through my own perception.

But we all feel so anyway, and we also sometimes the cause of other people's anger, hurt and frustration.

Wouldn't it be nice, if everyone was enlightened, to see past themselves and to stop blaming others? And just to share a simple love.

Tuesday

Tuesday, today, I lay on my bed for hours after hours. Just thinking.

Thinking how, why, who, what, if and dreaming about when.

I am not giving up, but I found myself stuck in a pit, don't know how to get out, can't really see what's outside.

So there is only me and myself to think things through. To find the answers to gather my confidence to stay alive.

There's help from somewhere, I hear an echo. Should I follow or should I stay and think somemore. I look around me, lo and behold I found a spade sitting here beside me. I had dug this pit for myself.

The echo shouts louder now, but only to save me, I'll have to leave myself behind in the pit.

I explained to myself, that I was digging a tunnel to a beautiful place. Now that I've lost the map and compass, I just need to ask myself which direction to dig more.

I wanted to know that I was right. I didn't want to chose the easy way and depend on help, leaving myself behind.

After hours, I am still thinking if I should continue to dig the tunnel. Or just listen to help.

Soon, I started to get comfortable with myself and in the pit. I got used to the darkness, and everything seems normal. Normal to be actually in a pit.

Once in a while, help tells me about the beautiful scenery and fresh air outside. That I should experience and love. But to have all that, I'd would need to climb and forget about myself. I would need to change my plans and forget about digging the tunnel.

I ask myself, why am I digging the tunnel?

It was so that I can do it by myself.

***

Help says, actually it's the same place we are going to. Same beautiful. This way is just easier, brighter and everybody has gone through this way.

Why do I dig the tunnel by myself?

No-one knows.

Where?

In the tunnel.

***

If I go, I'll never know about the tunnel. If it can be completed by myself.

Maybe it doesn't matter, I thought. Same happy place. I can have others besides myself.

But, I couldn't decide. I wanted to get out, but I was afraid to leave myself behind. And I wanted to know if it can be completed by myself.

No-one knows the tunnel.

***

Last of all, I was afraid that I would chose to be by myself. Can I trust no-one?

can love die

love can die

how do u stop urself from disappointment, if you pride urself in love.

what if something has died but we still hold on to loyalty.

who is the one to spend eternity with you, or at least feels like eternity when with you

or me.

how long do love last, if one chooses to keep silent, if one choses to be indifferent, if one forgets what is important in love

how to be yourself.

I am different.

Positive Equations

Positive input (+) gives Positive results (+)

Positive input (+) sometimes give Negative results(-)

Negative input (-) will only give negative results(-)

Positivity is the only promise to positive results

Why

why do we ask why? don't u ask anyway sometimes.

I am now taking a break from my day. Taking a break to blog, or blogging to take a break. Either works.

These days, I forget when I breathe, and I sometimes forget to breathe. Running around and calling a good number of numbers. At least that's almost what it feels like. Yet, it's never enough. You can always do more. You can always do more by waking up earlier, resting lesser in between calls, and well, you can always push and make the next limit even if you can't see.

Question is. Do I want to do it. Sometimes yes, sometimes I don't.

It's a question that goes in circles, up and down. The only reality and truth in the entire race is yourself. Yes we make our reality. What you want to do. Not what you want to achieve, but what you really commit yourself to doing. Because at the end achieving success is the result of what you chose to do everyday. And then success means nothing more than what you will be doing after you achieve success. If success means having to continue working, 9-5 everyday, hold endless meetings, daily meetings, have an impressive name card that must state your designation in the company behind your name and otherwise the card is worthless.

so much for an identity.

Do I want to do what I do everyday today. Yes. only because I know I don't have to do the same the next time when I get better in life. The concept of financial freedom has stuck hard and stuck well. And until I own my cafe and kitchen by the coast on some laid back island, here in Singapore City, financial freedom is the way.

This is my beat. Yet, many others move faster than me. More persistent than me, more hard working than me. It's not a competition. But don't u get jealous of people that have done the same and then done better?

And then suddenly, if you zoom out of Singapore like using Google Earth. You realise we are so small. And the reality here, is really, insignificant.

Which means, there are so many different paths in this vast universe, and then some say there is a parallel universe. Realities nested within realities. Daily life and living that is right here right now, becomes mediocre.

Eventually life has no meaning. No real meaning that is solid that you can grasp.

We are alive as much as u continue breathing. Everything else like a movie. I am paralyzed by such a thought.

Then again, life unfolds day to day. There have been instances of a beautiful day that I've lived feeling extra fulfilled, extra happy, and extra extra alive.

Unexplainable.

Why?

I Blog

I blog about my life, my love, my unhappiness, my depression. Hell actually who cares anyway? But I blog anyway...

It's true, this blog doesn't show all of me.. some of it I must hide. More often than not, it takes some effort not to whine about my dissappointments in life. Cos well, it's a blog, it's public, and many people read it. Well, my issues are probably just mindless buzz, only important to me. Others may be struggling with tougher fate.

Whining about things don't actually help at all. Infact, it can make things worse. We know this. However, if you ask me to look inside, there is a point right in between the pit bottom and, just before things get better. But it's not any better, and you can't even whine about it.

So I blog.

It's mid-Aug now. I've been back home since last december. Yes, last 8 months were start of many new beginnings. Coming home and coming to terms with myself to stay put in Singapore. To start afresh, plan the next few years and sort out the things I need to sort out. This is my home, my culture, my heartland, but I am like an alien at home.

I feel estranged from people around me. Just an unexplainable distant. There are many who are nice characters, but... No connection situation.

Then there are the "meanies"... needless to talk more about them...

I wonder if it's me, that I am that different. Or I chose to be different.

What about One love, what about coming together and feeling alright... What about the world in Love?

optimism and take the future

I spend most of my free time on internet. That's also why I blog quite a bit.

Then for an instance I thought that I've become a socially evasive internet geek. Nope. My best friend Yun would win that anytime. My BPB comes a close second.

But well, I realise it's because most of the friends that I talk to and hang out with are away or from overseas. Hm... Call me an attention seeking bee-aarch ("bitch"). My life here hence shrank into distance between home and work... the next good movie and a computer screen messenger party.

Yet even though communication over the internet is so deprived, I get the deepest insights from the people on the other end of the optic fiber.

hey dont speak about the past, lets take the future!
- Adomas

:) optimism is important!!!
- Tiago

lolololo... Ata iki... Ate ja!

It's all in the attitude...

new age sentimentalism

Always when I travel in the MRT (mass rapid transit), my mind is consumed with thoughts about the people standing around me. Each cabin is easily filled with 50 people. That's quite a good sample mass in such a small space. Sometimes I feel intruded with these people standing so near by. Maybe because I don't want to get too close.

Not just the bitching about latest fashion hots nor fashion victims. But thoughts about life.

Thoughts about what these people might be thinking, how they are happy the way they are, how maybe they are jaded, how they found light and acceptance, how they managed to work it all out.

By thinking so much, it's starting to look like the mass population are more enlightened about life and living, in this bustling city of Singapore. And I start to feel ignored of my endless chatter and mental buzz about what's real and what's not.

Call me a new age sentimentalist, or a lost philosopher.

It is true that some questions have no answer. Then it becomes meaningless to think about them. And because they have no answer, there is also no end to the debate.
- Can't stop thinking about them.

Need some space... we could have parties, food, drinks, a place to hang out...

then... Rental is Crazy in Singapore!! In the suburbs neighbourhood, is coming to SGD2,000 - 3 rooms maybe?

I can't seem to find space for myself here. I just barely survive with a minimal breathe of air, everything seems so congested.

GOD

Was there ever a time where you wished there was a God behind everything, a God to save your day, a God that will have the power to heal and show you the way, a God that can make everything nice and beautiful for you?

And... All that you'll need to say, is that you believe there is one.

I did. Today, I asked if there's a God, and if so, wouldn't it be easy to reverse the day and fill it with happiness. Today I met with an unbelievable experience in work. Whatever I presented to him as facts, he didn't believe any bit of it. Worst part of it, he thought I was lying through my teeth and even asked me out right if I did.

Trust. I hate it when anyone undermines me in distrust. If I had lied all that, then I must be Divine.

Truth is, there isn't a "God" that's gonna whip up a hot cocoa, topped with whipped cream and a wafer biscuit topped with more whipped cream. Mums do that. And there isn't a "God", that will magically transform a seemingly tough day into one with smiles. Nope, Harry Potter can't do that either.

Truth is, your day isn't gonna be any better, if you just sit, complain to your "God" in a prayer and then do nothing to help youself.

Help isn't help, if you dun want to help yourself.

Faith or Religion, Philosophy, Sharmanism, Paganism, Cults. They only help you help yourself, in the way you chose to believe.

The "God" that really is, would be how the world can magically connect one to another. How life is always happening, every moment is different from the next. How your mum makes you your favourite dish. How spending time with your closest friends put a smile on your face. How your boyfriend lets you choose your sandwich the way you like it, even when he's sharing it with you. How you choose to be, the person you are in everyday.

"God" is a fiction of our imagination. Or, "God" is you, me and the Universe.

Gaia and the 7 Magic Fishes

Gaia

The Gaia hypothesis is an ecological hypothesis that proposes that living and nonliving parts of the earth are viewed as a complex interacting system that can be thought of as a single organism. Named after the Greek earth goddess, this hypothesis postulates that all living things have a regulatory effect on the Earth's environment that promotes life overall.

- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaia_hypothesis#Lovelock.27s_initial_hypothesis

***
Last weekend was full of surprises on the Island of Tioman on the Eastern side of Malaysia, off the coast of Mersing Jetty, South China Sea.

We headed to Golden Mile to catch an early morning bus at 6.30am, sped through a bowl of mince meat noodle in 5 mins, and set off full of energy on the 40 seater bus.

3 hours into the Journey, we were already dozing off in the bus. Suddenly, there was a scream, "AAAhhhhh...!!!" and then *BAaMm*!!!?!!

We thought someone was knocked and rolled over by the bus!... Fortunately, no one one was hurt, the bus had ramped itself into the back of a Taxi, and then the taxi continued to hit the car infront. Hehe... we sent a message home to buy the 4-Digit Lottery for the number plates. *Uffff* Didn't strike...

So, we ended up with the bus at the police station, and waited for the replacement bus to take us to Mersing Jetty. Luckily, we got there just in time for the boat at 1.30pm.

The Boat ride was another hell round of fun! The sea was rough and the boat was crashing into every waves. WE would have been soaked if not for the existence of sliding windows on that boat.

Everything was then back to being normally nice as we reached the island, and found a good dwelling place for rest, less the attack of the Baboon. Yeps, the Baboon came to our hut and attempted attack with a snare at us. It tried also to sneak over our balcony. AND, it came back in the middle of the night to scream at us from outside the hut, and turned over all our trash!!! Very agressive is this Baboon.




Until the next morning where we missed the Snorkel Boat Trip! *Ufff* So we thought we would rent just the equippments and go swimming at the beach. And we did. Was actually quite an adventure swimming out into the unknown.

Suddenly we started to see some beautiful fishes.. and more fishes. So we snorkelled and swimmed and laughed and giggled and smiled...

And SUDDENLY!!!*!!!*!!!* We spotted something that was AS BIG as I was. WOW!! They were bluish and a rustic green in colour, making them look like they have swam to shore from the Ancient depths of the OCEAN... and then there were more of them... 1, 2, ....3, ... As fast as there appeared, they disappeared. These humungous Bumphead Parrot Fishes (or Giant Parrot Fish) were cruising along and feeding on algae and corals.

We hit the beach a second time that day. And swam out the same. Suddenly, we spotted them again! This time we decided to swim along with them a while more. We were thrilled... There were 7 of them! We watched them from a distant and realised they were spawning around us as there was a timed release of a cloud of "something" over the corals... :P They were pretty harmless as far as we know it, but still we stopped breathing everytime they took a turned and swam nearer to us.



Well... The 7 Magic Fishes...

***
Everytime I go for a trip out of town, dive, parties in the the forest, just getting closer to nature, or getting closer to people, meeting people... I feel deep within me, the heart beat of Gaia. That the world at large makes one so small, yet as part of an entire system, all that exists is needed and of vital importance. We are both predator and prey in the world of competition, survival, and war is at the epitome; but we are also functions to the system of Gaia, as a whole pulsating organism in Homeostasis, interconnected, part of a single entity, and with a universal identity of Gaia's existence in the realms of Space.
***

A Wretched Week as the World United in Spontaneity

Ever since last Friday, a sudden invitation from a friend to hang out for a drink, and me being my usual self - spontaneously agreed.

And today, I wonder why I hadn't blew up in spontaneous combustion yet. It's 1pm now. I had reached home just in the morning at 8am, met my mum at the coffee table, showered and slept. For the past week, I've took the first morning bus home twice, saw daylight before sleeping, and met my mum at least 4 times at the coffee table. This morning stood at the record breaking time, 8am.

Severely lack of sleep, yet, I can only manage a maximum 5hrs rest. I usually dun sleep into the afternoon.

No particular plans, no particular reasons, just hanging out. I am impressed by myself.

In the last week of crazy night out marathons, more spontaneuos plans were formed. And I wondered why in the past, it seemed for me there was almost nothing more to be done around, everywhere I turned was an empty place. This week we spent 3 nights in a same place, watching fights, eavesdropping quarrels and dealing with never ending curiosity. Planning a next trip, a next destination, and more plans.

A Wretched Week as the World United in Spontaneity

Baggy

All comments, critisms, love-notes or bids are welcome...!!

Aurimas and Agne

I still keep some of the SMS's I received since Lithuania. So I remembered yours dear Auris :)

"Hey, farewell little woman :) please, send us photos of you in singapore and help us realise that you belong not just in kaunas :) lovely letters also welcome."

And Agne, snow is over now and summer is here again... you said I gave you a different view of snow, I say u changed my summers from then on. :)

Well, I hope you (two) don't forget my blog. I'll try to send some parts of me to Kaunas too.. fingers, toes, hands, heart... ewweee* ... just joking

This week there's a Romeo and Juliet production from Lithuania.. I might just try to catch it...

Here're some more photos on my birthday...

at ICE COLD BEER... :)

stealing the chocolate leaf cake decorations...

*Opps... it was a frozen icecream cake...

hehe... now we have a little problem...

Nouvelle Vague

translated as "Bossa Nova" *portuguese, "New Wave" *french. love them.



http://music.download.com/nouvellevague/3600-8636_32-100736698.html

To Death with Love

Dear Death,

Tell me something I don't know about you?
That you are a cause of our tears, sadness and sorrow.
We mourn because you exist.
That you never fail to meet us at the end of it all,
Or, is it you that has ended it for us.

You are part of the destiny, the path and the cycle,
of Birth, Life, Death and Rebirth.
Death. The Anti-Climax, a sudden halt to all that is alive.
The point they say "your life flashed past ur eyes"
The expected ending, that undermines our purpose.
For what we live if we should die?

Or we lived to die to live again.
The heavenly realms, so they speak, for the good,
And the the fury of hell for those who've sinned.
If death is eternal, then better dead than alive.

You are the truth of life,
Because through death, we know we lived.
If we live only for a day,
What would we be doing today?
If everyone lived everyday like their last,
We could be living in a world of love.
Or we could be complaining about what we did not have
on our last day, everyday.
Choose.

We can't fight You, Death,
But Rockstars live forever.

**

Sincere condolences to all who loved Wayne, drummer of rockband The Suns.
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=13524262&blogID=268154712&MyToken=c963d95d-69bb-4a6e-a4d2-836235450ea3

Electrify My Life "BPB"

Last night we celebrated Marcelly's Birthday Party at Gotham Penthouse in Clarke Quay. A themed club with male strippers and hot dudes... YES! Men... for the women rights and "Bachelorette" hen parties...


http://www.gothampenthouse.com.sg/promo/show.html

So the sexual charge was peaking high, as we saw the babies from Johannesburg dance their butts around over 3 sets of performances. After the 2nd set I was convinced that they were never gonna be mine, but I wondered what they would really be like off-stage... Or backstage. *Ooo* As I discussed with Weihao, we sorta agreed that the most "provocative" of em probably is most decent, and vice versa. But truth is, you can never tell...

I turned my attention to the ladies on the floor. All the girls looked on with a tinge of love-lust glow, and "we" just couldn't keep out gaps closed. Heh. I definitely blushed. And some girls really played the heat, and teased the boys. I took the back seat for a cooler night. I don't exactly like getting high and dry.

*HAHAHA*

Well, it was truely a fun night we had. Tequila Shots, Tequila pops, Henessy, Johnie Walker...

So Marcelly, the birthday girl, without a doubt, was pretty sloshed. Yet while she layed by the pillar near the Taxi Stand... She could still identify friends passing by. She's incredible.

Met up with some friends whom I haven't seen in a long time since I left University Hostel. We sent Marcelly and Mr Gan (her BPB) home. That girl could still cook us Kimchi Noodles. *Babe, it was one of the best I've had since* Did a little more catching up, and then got on home.

"BPB" - "Beautiful Perfect Boyfriend"

This dude stood up to the challenge! He watched on the lap dance, encouraged it, cheered it on! The girl on the hot seat was his GF. His face didn't change a bit!

http://www.gothampenthouse.com.sg/

**Naked "BPB"s... Strip and Electrify Our lives**

Life Changing Amount of Money

Does Money change your life?
Yes.
Does Money change you?
Not always...

Recently I've been asking people around me. What could be a life changing amount of money for them?

SGD 1 million dollars was the unanimous answer.

When I went for an audition for the game show "Deal or No Deal", they also asked me this question. I too said one million.

I had gone to try out the game show just for a chance to get enough money to pay off my school fees loan and just perhaps have some for home improvements. SGD250,000 was the grand prize offered. Well just for reference sake, you can't buy a nice apartment to stay for that amount of money, but you can definitely change a hell lot about life, for things that need money.

WHen they asked me what I would do with the 1 million dollars, I mentioned to give my parents a new home to stay, and then a place for myself, and then I paused.... becos having done that, the money would now be insufficient for anything more.

Money. Life seldom ends with enough money, it also is never about the money. How much is enough? Depends on what you want to do with it.

I figured, SGD 100,000 would be more than sufficient amount to change my. No I will not retire immediately into old age at 26 years old, but I would have gotten off the debt of twenty thousand dollars, make some home improvements, consider to do some investments, and continue to work and prepare, to allow for the next phase of life to unfold. With that I will be free from a host of necessities that incessantly required the attention of my finances.

Weibin asked me how I would change. I don't think I will change. If there were things I wanted to change about myself, they were things money can't change. And if anything was to change, it would be the quality of life and the liberation from nagging things like a washing machine that doesn't work properly, a fridge that's too small, and the tropic heat that endlessly calls for a new AC system to be in house. Most importantly, I'll still be searching for that cheap ticket out of town this summer, hang out with the same friends I love, go to the same places I like.

Lastly, it will be a waste of money, if there are no uses for it.

Vivid Dreams

I remembered 3 extremely vivd dreams from last night. They pierced so deep into my mind, I went to google it as I woke up, to try figure out the possible meanings and symbols in them.

**
The first most important of all, and the clearest. Was that I was at the wake of my Dad. I didn't cry, wasn't sad at all. That frightened me a lot and from time to time I questioned and asked myself how is it I am not crying. I love my dad and respected him for having gone through many very hard times in life. We barely have conflicts at home and I didn't understand my dream at all.

"Death or dying in a dream seldom refers to an actual death. Death refers to changes in one's life, or attitudes toward certain persons, or fears of dying. Here are some possibilities of what death, dying or a dead person may represent in a dream. Death is a motif and may be the central motif of the dream.

(3) If the dead person in the dream is actually a living person - and especially if that person is your partner or parent or sibling - the dream may be expressing unconscious resentment towards that person, or a desire to be indepentent of that person. Feelings toward someone close are often ambivalent (conflicting): love or respect mixed with fear or hatred or resentment or jealousy."

- http://www.mythsdreamssymbols.com/dsdeath.html

So I read on. Perhaps it was the desired to be independent.

**
The 2nd dream was a revisit Lithuania, to a party at Ignas' home. I remember I brought a friend and was running up the back stairway. Looked alittle different but I knew in my head it was the right place. The door opened and I saw Iggy, and egle, and the usual crowded house party. Lot's of alcohol on the table. I said to Iggy, "Do you know which drink I missed most?" He said, "Starka, Vodka..." I smiled, and poured out the next drink, "Yes.. Starka and Cranberry Vodka!" I asked Egle, "Where's Agne?" And we waited while talking to all the people in the house...

Indeed I missed the Starka. But I missed more the friends and the fact that I was away from home in Lithuania. It perhaps an added tinge of freedom which made the Starka sweeter in Lithuania.

**
I also remembered briefly, a call from an ex-colleague, whom I've called to meet again this coming Monday. I was to present the opportunity to him to consider an investment. In the call, he was enthusiastic and excited.

In reality, I've called him, and it took me some time to persuade him about the opportunity. And well he wasn't all that enthusiastic, and I dunno if tomorrow he will actually meet me. For this, I think was to do with my perspectives about my latest career move.

**
The company I work for is a land asset management company. Through a non-speculative physical asset, Land, as our investment vehicle, we offer money making opportunities for individuals, ie. investments. I'd like to think of it as something everybody should be excited about, that most individuals should really want to know how they can make more money, besides working their asses off like "peasants" - Quoting Irving.

Sometimes people complain about their work - overworked, under paid. Yet when the option comes to their doorstep, they push it away in fear and sceptism. Aren't you just fufilling your own prophecy, of the viscous working cycle you can't seem to get out of?

**Knock knock... Don't be afraid...

Blogging

I sat for about 30 mins at the computer... trying to put my thoughts together... and I found myself coming back to my work once again. I am consumed and exhausted by the need to think for every question and simulate the responses from other people, learning and trying to self-teach how to steer the direction of conversations. But I don't stop thinking about it. Cos I want to solve the big puzzle.

New job, new life. I really like that I am kept on my toes with this one. Teach me to be a little more responsible for myself. No more 9-5pm, but every min counts. So much to know and endless of learning. I just know I need to make it with this one.

I am in terribly debts. Debts that I borrowed from my the people around me. Well it is not a big amount but it's tough starting at Zero. I appreciate all their help. And I can't say more except to work my ass off and pay together with added love and attention.

And I still listen to Cocorosies and blog... Like I use to with a cat on my lap...

And I still smell the musky old house by the river...

Misleading

Sometimes I read back on my blog.. and I realised some parts could have been misleading... so just to clarify for one of the previous posts titled "Madness".

ie.
"... For example, my boyfriend leaves me => [OOPS.. MISREPRESENTED, that is to say, I was just stating a senario]. I want to think that I am a strong girl and I can handle the new life that I now have. Yet I am choking on tears and gasping for air and my face cringes..."

Sneezing Fits

yeps, the dust is in the air. Not gold dust though.. tsk tsk.
A-choooo...*snif*

Last weekend was unexpectedly busy. My sis decided to move home, and I had to pack out some of my stuff from the other room... those I have secretly chucked there to make space in my room... hehe so well, good time to do some spring cleaning.

Then I also helped nic and olivia move to their new place. They live just 10 mins walking away from my home.

hehe.. no wonder there's so much dust... everybody's movin..

Madness

Do you sometimes hear yourself talking in your head? I think most people do. Deciding which colour to wear, deciding what to eat, deciding what to do. If we only decided with 1 voice, then we won't take so long and there will be no conflict.
I think most women have more than 1 voice. maybe 3, I dunno.

Ronny said to me that we don't really have control over what we think.

I think it is quite true. We can probably design the guidelines on how we want to think. But what we really think about, there's no escaping.

For example, my boyfriend leaves me => [OOPS.. MISREPRESENTED, that is to say, I was just stating a senario]. I want to think that I am a strong girl and I can handle the new life that I now have. Yet I am choking on tears and gasping for air and my face cringes.

Yun says all the time, you make your own reality.

But sometimes, I think, isn't reality what things really are?... like some kind of underlying truth that exists in everything...

It seems people who live by making their own reality are happier and clearer about themselves. And others who allow life to take them along, seem to get lost more easily.

Recently, I have been absolutely pissed and annoyed by one thing. My ex-Company hasn't paid me my salary for February. Idiots. If needs be, I will end the world with them (as the chinese saying, "Tong Gui Yu Jin"). It's a small amount of money, but it's what I worked for. And if they don't pay, it's outright exploitation. People with no conscience to pay out salary to their staff are as good as the pigs feeding on trash.

We are all going to die one day, rich or poor, whatever you do. So why don't we try do some good before we disappear?

Heroes - The crazy marathon

{Heroes}... The crazy marathon we did last night for the thriller drama serial. 18 episodes in one night! Woohoo... we did it - me, Justin and Zad. In between I kinda heard Al's voice, saw Tim topless as they both rushed out to the airport for flight. Al was going for work, Tim was going to meet his gf Val in Hong Kong. How nice :) And then Gabby joined us towards chapter 14 I think... the one I dozed off...

Well I must say we were victorious at the end of it this morning 10am. and I have not quite slept yet. Infact, on my way home this morning, I felt alive. Alive for not having slept, and of course, the amazing drama serial replaying itself in my head.

I don't watch TV that much, but for those movies and drama about some spiritual awakening of the self, like discovering and fufiling a destiny, and exploring the greater purpose in life, deeper understanding of past-present-future, like a being a special hero to save the world, like in {Heroes}, like in {Lost}, I am sold.

somewhere in it, said, the choice is between true happiness and the meaning of life. To be a happy "dumb" or to ponder on the meaning in past, present, and future life. Complexity. Can a human brain not think for one second? Can you not think and smile happily for eternity?

I am definitely a complex being.

"I think, therefore I am." - René Descartes

Moment of peace - Club 63

I spent last weekend once again at Club 63. The place we talk about our dreams, our problems, shared our music and every other funny thing like in a fruvi spa photo session. We remade the "Thai Dinner" that we couldn't get over after returning from Koh Phang An.

These are my wonderful friends from Singapore :P

Weeeeee.....!!

**Koh Phang An**










Full Moon Party...

Age of Change, Beginning of the New Age

While I've lived my past 26 years in peace and comfort, the most difficult storms in life were borne by my father. Fighting and competing for our family's survival, giving all to exchange for a better life. But well, truly, the quarter of a century is the turn of the age. The old to past, and the new to begin.

It feels like everything is approaching the edge. Just this year, I had news of 3 uncles and 1 aunt having admitted to the hospital, and my grandmother's memory problem has deteriorated. Sometimes it's ok, and other times it just became general confusion, she didn't manage to sort out the Chinese New Year in order of 1) Chu - Xi Reunion Dinner, 2) Chu - Yi, and 3) Chu - Qi - Ren - Ri. Life is frail.

My computer also has memory problem. Insufficient memory and RAM to run Photoshop, and to store the photos and music that I have. In short, it needs to be upgraded. My phone screen got smashed, need to fix. The furniture in the house is old, the fridge too small, the sewing machine we use now was from my mum's dowry.

It's in need of some changes, improvements, and new beginnings. Starting from zero, it is a very real need for me to take on the new age, to make things better. Oh, how I've always hated competition and am reluctant to get into the viscous cycle of work life. I've never seen any light to that kind of commitment. Just selling my time for money, and then 20 years past...

Everytime I face the questions of what I want to do, first I have a myriad of thoughts flying through my head, but none that I can catch hold for any time long enough. And at the very edge of things, I become a realist. I need a job, I need the money, I do the job. Even though I know it will be a soul-less investment of time, I do it. The big plans are risky. And some plans will never work. Because an idealist's dreams, passions, work of art, may very possibly evaporate into nothing or crush like castles built on clouds.

But hell, dreams continue to burn inside... burn my brains, and I cannot hide my feelings... I even think I cannot be jaded. I find myself always looking for that extra surge, deeper experiences in life, and the moment of awakening. It is the spark about things, something to smile for, something to cry about.

Lost in my own thoughts, I feel somewhat suspended into mid-air. Neither here nor there, without compromise. Something needs to be done.

The red light district

Did I mention that I work in the red light district of Singapore. Well, it happens that the office which I work at is situated in a nearby industrial park, just one "Lorong" from where all the action is.

The Geylang "Lorong"s, are truely colourful. The main street is littered with purple and green neonlight bilboards. Everything you can find here. Islamic Mosque, Tibetan Temple, Chinese Temple, shops, coffee shops, best supper stalls, beef hor fun, you tiao and "dao-hwuay" (soya bean curd) & "dao-nee"(soya bean milk)

Everything in it's own array of mess. Then there are the smaller and darker "One-way" roads that ly perpendicuar to the main street, and sectioning the area into "Lorong"s 1 to 23.

Red light district it is, as day and night you find a scene of sexly dressed girls fluttering around, uniquely blended into the backdrop of layed-back shophouses.

Dream House

I have a dream house. I dreamt about it just last night. It looks like the second storey of perhaps an old shophouse, elongated space and large windows with off-white wooden frames that's now barely covered since the old paint had fallen with time. It was an empty house. Only the greenish concrete floor, the high white ceilings, long parallel walls and soft sunlight through the closed windows. It was raining. Water seeped through the base section of the wooden frame. The wood was moist and with moss. I walked towards the window, the tiny streams of rainwater reached my feet. It was serene and romantic.

I've always thought my dream house would be one by the beach, stepping onto soft white sand and sea breeze in my face.

Year 2007

Tomorrow I will start my new job as an Exhibition Executive. On the day I signed my offer letter, they told me I should start preparing for a trip to Dehli end of this month to help out at the trade show and conference that was on. Told me all that I would need, black suit and shoes, and passed me the visa application form.

Even though the other terms of this job isn't fantastic. I thought I would give it a serious tryout. I couldn't turn down my excitement.

We partied out 48 hrs this New Year Countdown at Al's. No sweaty stampede parties at Zouk, Expo or Sentosa. Just warm cosy house parties with friends. Nice.

2007 has started in peace. Above all, the poor gal who had her count down in hospital is recovering well. :)

For myself, there's a subtle heartbeat in life that I start to hear and recognise. Doing things, loving things. Underlying everything, spontaneous or routine, there's a rhythm of peace within. And there's something more than the self that's important. The people that I've met, the experiences that I've shared, people that love me, people that I love.

Everything is in place, where they need to be, as it is, the good and the bad.
The beautiful perfect plan.