The Lucky Ones

I wonder if it is because there are lucky people who have simply found the fomula through life, or are able to accept life simply as it is; making me look like a lost philosopher, and somewhat an outcast on this side of the world.

Alienation

I wonder if I could be the only one.

I feel many unhappiness bottled inside, I want to scream! Yet, it's silent, as there is no reason, just bitterness.

I think up so much junk, it looks as if I love torturing myself. Misunderstood, and lack of real connection; the attention now is filled with judgement, critism and distrust.

Junk. Or is it?

Positive attention is very important to me. It is to everybody. yet in this world I am perceiving, there is so much lack of attention, and more like suffering from a deficiency in it. without enough nods affirming what I do, who I am, what I like. Just some signs to tell me I am ok, that I am on the right path, doing the right things, being the right person,... (u know...)

some real loving... plsssss...?

some experiences make me feel all so so good, and some times my closest friends make me fall flat on my face.then everything crushes, like u stepping on the garden snail (accidentally).

Lucky there's Cen.

I like to be part of, not excluded. Or maybe I excluded myself. I don't like to be the extra, odd one. Or maybe, I'm just thinking that. Funny me.

Maybe I am just different, from another planet, and most people dun understand me. I dun understand most people also.

I find no comfort in the silence but fear being abandoned, fear of being left out. It's dark and depressed.

I dun mean to torture myself. but I sometimes doubt if you like who I am, and I dun wish to be deluded.

This is it

this is it, I am going to blog my life away. spending time writing down meaningless thoughts, spending more time thinking about what I should be or could be doing better with this mediocre life of mine.

this is it. this time I am going to be brutally honest with u and with myself.

Yes it's true, with all the good things in the world given to me, a good complete family, good friends that love me, a home where there are surplus in food, money, material, a city where people have money to spend just because they are bored of working; where people have the ability to spend on better things in life to treat themselves better;

- I actually feel dull and depressed in this city "God" dropped my soul upon.

Last night on television was a documentary featuring suicidal tendencies in singapore. I watched intently, and listened to what these people had to confess about their suicidal thoughts, in hope to find a light to my darkness.

No, I do not feel like killing myself, just that not feeling alive can't get me anywhere better. So I listened.

The consistent pattern that ran through each individual, was clear. There was nothing more in life for them, that they believed they could be better off dead than dealing with problems of heart break, abandonment, survival, lack of love.

They also observed that most people whom have escape the thoughts of suicide, upon good guidance and recovery, tend to come back stronger alive than before.

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there was not direct answer to me after the show had ended, just a bland conclusion that everybody has their problems, and there are millions of starving children in this world; that food is wasted into our trash bins everynight on the contrary. No, dear chinese people, finishing up what you have on ur plate is not helping at all!

The world we live in is surely not a perfect world. It must not me. Man have tried hard enough and sacrificed many in pursuit of idealistic systems and belief of creating a flawless perfect world. This we have seen resulting in wars, cruel regiments, and will never work.

Because one man's ideals, maybe another man's nightmare.

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I don't know what to do with myself. I've constantly tried to accept and do what would seemingly work best for me. 1 year in a 9-5 job. Everybody told me i'll get use to "working life". Fact is I didn't, I had woken up every morning that year, dreading to wake up. And by the time everything started to flow pass like a normal day, I kept myself alive and preserve my mind from jadedness by asking, can all this get any better?

And when it came down to the ultimatum question, how long more is this going to last? I realise, there's no way i am going to live another day this way.

I took off with the little savings I had, in search of life and in search of my soul. In my travels, I've had many revelations, and beautiful experiences that have done me good. Lessons about love and life and living. Came back recharged, only to have all the inspirations fading into memories.

Somehow, I ended up feeling lost and burnt out, trying to find myself in here. I am here but I feel soul-less. God knows what I should or could be doing better with myself. I don't know what I should be doing with myself.

I am tired of not knowing what to do.