Pee in your pants

This morning I woke up. Tried very hard though, but I managed. I wonder how many more mornings like this I am willing to bear. Mornings that woke up to nothing. Nothing too exciting.

I've given up on work. Like totally. And I finally decided to allow myself to give it up, at least for now till the year is over. Now is the time to take time - for myself, for the soul and to prepare for next year. (Lest it become another year of "bad debt and poor performance" again like 2008. )


Counting my accomplishments in 2008, actually it really wasn't so bad.

For one, I actually set up my online dessert business selling Tiramisu, Cheeseballs and Carrot Cakes. Did up my own website, sorted out my menu and deliveries and managed consistent orders every month. Although doing this was quite a bit of hard work, and working through the night before Valentines' Day, in retrospect I felt like it was a breeze. Cos I totally enjoyed it, cos perhaps it was a hobby kind of thing. And above all, it was made entire with love.

Made it to Ang Khor Wat & Phnom Penh in March 08. Pretty much cool and a place that I've wanted to go always. Though it was sort of disappointing when my hope of having some sort of mysterious encounter in this ancient ruins was "ruined" with loads and loads of tourists, touting and more tourist. Still it was all good.

Diving trip no. 2 to Dayang! Fantastic visibility. Although it wasn't the best site, well, a dive is a dive.

My first time betting in the Casino in Genting Highlands. N Winning, N then getting conned by Chinese conman... brrr

Bought my first lot of Stock investment.

Met my beloved BiBi!!!

Did the Singapore "house viewing" thing.

and la di da di dah*...

I can't say it was a bad year for me, but it has left me highly undoubtedly dissatisfied with myself. Becos for one thing, and the most priced achievement was that I didn't do as well in my job.

A simple fact turned up. We almost always do well in your favorite subjects. For those we had to Ace just so we get into the job that PAYS BETTER, becomes a challenge and a drag eventually as we start to find less and less meaning in doing them.

I did use to like it, now I dunno. I've started to feel like I am wasting more time each day it wasn't turning out better. Time that I could have spent doing other things that gave me more happiness, purpose and fulfillment.

Question: how much more of those is needed to be done, and where am I headed with all this? next 10 years? or even just 5 years?

Answer: The longer I take, the more time I waste.

The more I try, and each time I didn't get the results I wanted, I started to felt less worthy. And the more my body life and mind was out of sync. I had diet problems, over eating, over sleeping, lack of zest, zest that I should jump out of bed every morning and smile widely to this world.

Precious time that won't return, we only live once.

I remember a "me" that was following her heart, doing the things that gave her life, things that made her feel alive.

Now, this heart is wavering and I feel torn between to sticking to it, or letting it go. Projecting everything into longer terms, i really can't see myself anywhere with it. Am I really going to be that Sales Super Woman?

This morning, I woke up to Agnes' diving pictures in Sipadan. And I finally woke up. I was feeling this quivering excitement through my guts, n I felt no need for food, not a slightest craving to munch. Yun calls this the "like u want to pee in ur pants".

I felt at peace with the excitement.

In a worldly sense, it's been hell on earth. The financial crisis and turmoil, people losing jobs, global economy slowing down tremendously, the Olympics torch run that put protests against China on international media, terrorist bombing in Mumbai, and, God only knows what's it gonna be with 2009.

with all these in perspective, all about "me" don't matter as much. However, finding my purpose is important.

As Bibi says it, having more money won't change the world, doing what we love will.

Bigger plans ahead in 2009, like a churning Phi's Addiction into full fledged business, visits to my friends in Portugal, Lithuania & Israel, giving out Cheeseballs to orphanages, Japan Solar Eclipse, Bibi & Bibi's new home, dive dive dive, sing sing sing, write a book, learn to paint, new additions to the menu, underground kitchen on Weekends, new directions and endless of experiences that make me pee in my pants.

Of course above all I love my bibi most :)

By the way, anybody knows what happened to the "LOVE" statue outside Fish & Co at the Glass House?

this blog post with a lot of 'I's becos 'I' am getting confused...

my bibi says i am his Best Friend. I've heard someone talked about people they love this way. "My gf? oh it's been amazing with her! We're best friends..."

This year i started to doubt so much about relationships with people, friends and families, i kinda forgot what it means to be best friends, or lovers, or what it means to be friends with differences, or even friends separate by distances and jet lags.

at some point in time this year, I didn't know anymore if my friends liked me enough. or if i was as important in their lives as they were in mine.

that they wanted even an extra moment just to stay up for chat, to tell each other how magical it has been for us friends to meet and getting to know each other.

just like good old times.

I've somehow forgotten what it was to have a F'ING good time with friends, or at a party meeting real people. not people who want to be seen, act cool, or hook up with girls. REAL PEOPLE. where have they gone to.

i think the the core inside me is a deep dark place that no one can understand. and when friends i thought could understand my depressiveness, i was wrong. even i didn't understand why i am so depressed.

i often wonder if am happy with where i am today? am i about to do what i am truly made for in this existence?

wat if i m a painter, an artist, or a dancer, n here i am trapped in the casino of life trying to play the money game. what if i am a writer n my task is to think and put my extremely imaginative mind down on pen and paper.

wat if at this point in my life i still have one last shot to do everything that i was not trained to do in school, but always thought about. only one shot what would u choose?

what if i was going to die tomorrow?

then, how could i discover what i was made for today?

Masala, Dhal and Rice

After what was months of BRAIN freezing, or just uninspiring days shopping and hanging out in Market St. Meixin Food Court. I found a little breathe of oxygen eating CURRY.

Yesterday, I had my good dose of Masala, Dhal and Rice in little India. It was the eve of Deepavali. We gathered some friends and decided to soak ourselves in the festive mood, by having our fare dose of Indian Thali and Dosas at Madras New Woodlands... (Just opposite Komalas.) They served drinking water on the table. This is one thing I dun get when restaurants require u to buy bottled water or drinks.

I think it is good practice to acknowledge human dignity by serving drinking water with meals.

For those people who only know Komalas for Indian food, I sure hope you look deeper beyond flashy signs and bright colours. After all, the experience of any cuisine, is the full palette of taste, sight, smell, and also traditions and cultures that sink in deeper in ur neurons than "Fast Food".

This is why I HATE FAST FOOD.

It really seems like I am a fanatic about Indian culture, food and Saris. But that is definitely not what all this is about. It's not Indian, or Chinese or Thai or European. It is the richness, the intensity of being somewhere different, and having a mind trippin.

When everything you see and understand is not what it really represents. To a large extent, the order in little India and in my India experience is one that is not easily understood, and some people never get it. ;)

The crowd in what seems like a disorderly fashion, is only what is perceived by me. IT's a big mess. People overflowing from the shops, on the streets, on the roads. IF I was looking for the queue, I would be feeling terribly misplaced. However, when one soon realises that there is actually no order, and that the understood and accepted protocol is simply the mess that is, that our objective is to find a place for ourselves, and not EXPECTING space to be made for you, then you find actually a sense of calmness in it. If we looked around, everybody is pretty much ok with the crowd.

IT's not just being used to it. I can walk everyday in crowded orchard road and complain every single thing about it. "Why the jammed traffic, why people dun cycle instead of driving, why can't we have more places to go!"

IT's about the attitude of embracing.

IT's when Singaporeans start queuing and demanding order then CHAOS become intolerable.

IT's when we think a system is the answer to all our problems, we lose sight of opportunity and real meanings in life.

The point is to beat the system, break down all barriers and meet people face to face. We've set up walls to contain ourselves in righteousness and to separate ourselves from perceived danger. This separation is stifling. This identity needs to be burned.

We turned up at Prince of Wales on Dunlop Street for a quick beer before dinner. As we got nearer, there was an uncomfortable fence separating a small area outside the bar and the streets outside. And "kept" within the fences were beer, "ang-mo" travelers and a pool table.

It look like an animal enclosure to me. To make a sign outside "Protected Mammals Enclosure - Do not Feed" would have been pretty apt.

From the inside, the place is not run by Singaporean locals but white Caucasians. And as a matter of fact, the whole place looked like a concentrated white dot in little India. The sight was appalling. We as customers at the bar was fenced up, while the local residents and ethnic Indian walked along outside and looking inward.

Then I really wonder what all these traveling is about, to come to a new place and then gathering up in pubs and behind fences???

(by saying this, I seriously am not racist, but i dunno how else to put it. It wasn't a pretty sight, and I felt like tearing it all down.)

Each time when I talk about Indians, or visiting little India on Sundays. I get raised eyebrowns, questions about -

"what so fun" "so crowded" "so smelly" "i dun find it interesting to squeeze ard"... "why are you such an indian fanatic?"

OR even commenting "wah, u really into bollywood stuff ah, get an indian boyfriend la!"

guess what, u totally missed the point. :)



Betel Leaves Stand Outside Madras New Woodlands :)

Watching the rain

Watching the rain...

guess i haven't sit to watch the rain in a really long time now... a very long many months, yet the time still passes, and I lose track of myself and the things i've done...

Yesterday a friend send me a text message. It was her birthday. Hah, so fast, birthday again. Next week, my best friend gonna leave town for Israel. To be with her bf... so fast again... she's leaving... it was already 6 months she was back... but all that's left of this 6 months after it has passed.. is this... today.

"Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift, Thats why it's called the Present"

Many people say, live in the present. But i think I am too much in the present, that I sometimes forget to care, that what I did yesterday makes today, and what I make of today gives tomorrow.

Today is Friday, I am sitting by the window, watching the storm that's about to begin, the cold wind beating on my face, giving me a sharp cold touch on my face, yet it is cold because I am warm. An awakening chill that I can feel because I still breath.

I dunno how many people walking on the streets are but empty shells, facing practicalites of live, that u need to do this to get that and to have this. I have chosen an alternative path about things. Chosen to give myself liberty to do things that I like rather than just to be a money making machine, as much as possible.

Self-indulgence, some people call it.

Facing the same practicalities in life, I have also drifted through the crowded with a hollow shell.

But watching the storm, watching the setting sun and walking barefoot on grass, I feel alive.

The Lucky Ones

I wonder if it is because there are lucky people who have simply found the fomula through life, or are able to accept life simply as it is; making me look like a lost philosopher, and somewhat an outcast on this side of the world.

Alienation

I wonder if I could be the only one.

I feel many unhappiness bottled inside, I want to scream! Yet, it's silent, as there is no reason, just bitterness.

I think up so much junk, it looks as if I love torturing myself. Misunderstood, and lack of real connection; the attention now is filled with judgement, critism and distrust.

Junk. Or is it?

Positive attention is very important to me. It is to everybody. yet in this world I am perceiving, there is so much lack of attention, and more like suffering from a deficiency in it. without enough nods affirming what I do, who I am, what I like. Just some signs to tell me I am ok, that I am on the right path, doing the right things, being the right person,... (u know...)

some real loving... plsssss...?

some experiences make me feel all so so good, and some times my closest friends make me fall flat on my face.then everything crushes, like u stepping on the garden snail (accidentally).

Lucky there's Cen.

I like to be part of, not excluded. Or maybe I excluded myself. I don't like to be the extra, odd one. Or maybe, I'm just thinking that. Funny me.

Maybe I am just different, from another planet, and most people dun understand me. I dun understand most people also.

I find no comfort in the silence but fear being abandoned, fear of being left out. It's dark and depressed.

I dun mean to torture myself. but I sometimes doubt if you like who I am, and I dun wish to be deluded.

This is it

this is it, I am going to blog my life away. spending time writing down meaningless thoughts, spending more time thinking about what I should be or could be doing better with this mediocre life of mine.

this is it. this time I am going to be brutally honest with u and with myself.

Yes it's true, with all the good things in the world given to me, a good complete family, good friends that love me, a home where there are surplus in food, money, material, a city where people have money to spend just because they are bored of working; where people have the ability to spend on better things in life to treat themselves better;

- I actually feel dull and depressed in this city "God" dropped my soul upon.

Last night on television was a documentary featuring suicidal tendencies in singapore. I watched intently, and listened to what these people had to confess about their suicidal thoughts, in hope to find a light to my darkness.

No, I do not feel like killing myself, just that not feeling alive can't get me anywhere better. So I listened.

The consistent pattern that ran through each individual, was clear. There was nothing more in life for them, that they believed they could be better off dead than dealing with problems of heart break, abandonment, survival, lack of love.

They also observed that most people whom have escape the thoughts of suicide, upon good guidance and recovery, tend to come back stronger alive than before.

---

there was not direct answer to me after the show had ended, just a bland conclusion that everybody has their problems, and there are millions of starving children in this world; that food is wasted into our trash bins everynight on the contrary. No, dear chinese people, finishing up what you have on ur plate is not helping at all!

The world we live in is surely not a perfect world. It must not me. Man have tried hard enough and sacrificed many in pursuit of idealistic systems and belief of creating a flawless perfect world. This we have seen resulting in wars, cruel regiments, and will never work.

Because one man's ideals, maybe another man's nightmare.

---

I don't know what to do with myself. I've constantly tried to accept and do what would seemingly work best for me. 1 year in a 9-5 job. Everybody told me i'll get use to "working life". Fact is I didn't, I had woken up every morning that year, dreading to wake up. And by the time everything started to flow pass like a normal day, I kept myself alive and preserve my mind from jadedness by asking, can all this get any better?

And when it came down to the ultimatum question, how long more is this going to last? I realise, there's no way i am going to live another day this way.

I took off with the little savings I had, in search of life and in search of my soul. In my travels, I've had many revelations, and beautiful experiences that have done me good. Lessons about love and life and living. Came back recharged, only to have all the inspirations fading into memories.

Somehow, I ended up feeling lost and burnt out, trying to find myself in here. I am here but I feel soul-less. God knows what I should or could be doing better with myself. I don't know what I should be doing with myself.

I am tired of not knowing what to do.

Music... does urs make u mooove? :P

...everytime I listen to trance or techno, my heart never fails to pump. Always, I feel my heart racing to the beat, and the senses overflowing with adrenaline.

Looking forward yet to another music revolution, cool dJ spins, psychedelic trance parties, the next solar eclipse gatherings...

I can hardly explain an experience in these parties... unless u feel it for urself... depicting such a scene would be most unhelpful.

wooohoo... hehe the pure thought of it gives me enough energy to start dancing for hours in my little room now...

this is music for me. what about u?

给: 傻瓜

我从来没有对什么人这么冷漠过. 一直以来都相信人生里要有爱和宽容. 我想这个"他"真的伤了我好深. 是我对"他"的怨恨不能平浮.

其实每个人, 都有曾经伤害过其他人. 我不例外, 也不分谁对谁错.

最近, 有人对我说:

"早上起来问的, 不是为什么, 而应该是问怎么办. 过去要放下, 最重要是以后的日子要怎么过."

谢谢你傻瓜, 我明白. 我也是傻瓜.

Phi's Addiction - The Tiramisu Caravan

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