Sing to the Dawn

Finally learned to sing the song by Jolin, Dao Dai.

Always found it nice, never actually sung it til last mon'.

Haven't been to KTV for such a long time I dun remember the last KTV I went to. Monday @ KTV brought back memories of Hongkong and I've forgotten about singing altogether.

Too much drinking, seems to loose chunks of memory and get more absent minded these days. Also a perpetual numb, hung over feeling...

Or you could call it peace, just like the afterglow of smoking, the aftermess of drunkardness.

Some people believe that they will never loose themselves no matter how drunk they are. Some people fear that and stay sober. And most of the happy others would have lost at least one item of possession, left it somewhere, or kissed someone. And the feeling of waking up to a realisation, is what I appreciate, a moment of clarity, mixed with a splitting headache. (think we really could do without the headache)

Dancing in the Moonlight.

Was at my Grandma's place for a dinner. They call it the Dong Ji, End of winter dinner with family. (or that's at least the best I could with the translation)

everything usual, and normal. On my way back, my father, my mum and me took the taxi and was looking forward to get home to our comfort couch at home. The taxi lady was a woman, in her forty's. But you could still see the afterglow from her younger days...

they started toking, as always. I am amazed how out of 5 times I took a taxi with my dad in it, 5 times everytime, he'd chat with the driver in very intense conversation all the journey. this connection that they apparently left me out of.

They toked about their childhood, how life was so carefree and happy in the "Silat Road" days, in Kampong, how they'd jump into the canals for a swim. How life was so tough, so simple, and yet so lived in. Everybody in the neighbourhood knew each other. It wasn't a story of wealth and richness, no "atas" living. Yet every penny spent at the least of things were all worth the spending.

Now, I hardly know my neighbours. All doors are shut most of the time, either that or I am not at home.

My dad had recently recollect his younger days, the trauma of having lost both his parents in 2 consecutive years, and the heavy burden and responsibility of 8 other sibligs to take care of. Drama-Mama galore you must be thinking. But you know with the post war baby boom. This was the real situation of our parents' decade and era.

I can't help but question the only question, why then and why now. Why did the attitude, the experiences, the stories, differ so much, yet the path of life is similar and also very different. It's oxymoronic. It's life an nature, cyclic and linear all at once.

Pweef...

Love, Bread and Soup

Someday, it feels that deep within is a longing for the ultimate person that is perfect, to appear in my life. This perfect guy/perfect feeling. Some people say it's a farce. Some continue to believe in it and have repeatedly fallen in and out of it... and then recover to get in all over again... well I don't know much.

I've also felt this perfect feeling with certain people before. With some friends, almost more than pefect. Hence if exprience defines our truth, then you can't really say the perfect situation to be a projection of non-reality. But we also know the very next truth that it always changes and nothing could ever stay the same, such that when finding, not only that one does not find, but also gets trapped in the endless search of what was merely an empty mould of the past.

Poison of Luxury

When did we learn that life was more than the flowers in the fields, smiling in the sun, and playing hide and seek. How did all the that suddenly transformed into monetary valuation of material possesions, status quo and endless shopping or acquiring just about any new thing.

New jeans, new top, new bag, more bags, more shoes, new furniture, salon visits, manicure visits... endless.

I admit to a mild desire for all these and I am definitely vain about myself, dying to be more beautiful. But this graceful aging isn't much more about the physical appearance, more like the "zen-ness" of the liking of peace within. Whatever the situation presents. Peace but not indifference.

But how can anybody almost tell the difference between the 2? I've felt both distinctively and also felt like I couldn't decide which of the 2 was to define correctly, what that I have felt.

Perhaps having stood still infront of Top Shop, watching people gooble down the highly priced but middle ranged apparell, put the contradiction of the imbalance of materialism and peace, right at where the glass panel separated the shop space and my mental space.

Life isn't free afterall dear old friends.. but I still think that it should be... feed the cows, they plough the fields, and keep the earth alive.

Free from the Poison of Luxury.

Pride and Prejudice

Just watched Pride and Prejudice the movie.. after every movie adapted from some book, I sometimes think why I've never read such a good book...

rich or famous or inteligent, they are somewhat statsu quo. defining, and seem to always decern what is appropriate or not.

well my recent encounter with Mr O. that swept me of my feet, not because he is handsome, nor intelligent, but for the fact he is so full of himself. Heh and so convince about money and it's poweress. "Money is option, and option is freedom" - so he puts it, and having to feed 12 kids with a miserable salary is torment, but I guess he doesn't appreciate the love of parents, that they rather feed them at their own torment, then sell them, or let them die...

Love. The rich and famous not only have a warp sense of money and worth, they also do not seem to comprehend love.

Not all of course. Just most of them...

I am going to Goa. Will I meet Sam again? deep inside, honestly, I hope to. Perhaps a romantic idea. Perhaps the simple openess.

I dream of Rome last night... can I deny the will of the sub-concious?

Romantic Pride and Prejudice, from liking, to misunderstanding, to insult, to the oppression of inferiority, to true love and passion. Shrek, to see beyond the surface; Lord of the ring, to fight the temptation of evil and power... what have we got here...

connection and fufilment...

Year End 2005

year end... what's the deal...

better year next year...

People from the past

Never expected to meet Vanessa or Cheok anywhere...

they were a part of my story just a couple months ago...

wat's the deal when people from the past revisit... those you don't have any relations, just aquaintances, just people who knew someone you knew.

too tired to actually condense / intepret anything.


I miss history.... the unique experiences, noone else share...