Pee in your pants

This morning I woke up. Tried very hard though, but I managed. I wonder how many more mornings like this I am willing to bear. Mornings that woke up to nothing. Nothing too exciting.

I've given up on work. Like totally. And I finally decided to allow myself to give it up, at least for now till the year is over. Now is the time to take time - for myself, for the soul and to prepare for next year. (Lest it become another year of "bad debt and poor performance" again like 2008. )


Counting my accomplishments in 2008, actually it really wasn't so bad.

For one, I actually set up my online dessert business selling Tiramisu, Cheeseballs and Carrot Cakes. Did up my own website, sorted out my menu and deliveries and managed consistent orders every month. Although doing this was quite a bit of hard work, and working through the night before Valentines' Day, in retrospect I felt like it was a breeze. Cos I totally enjoyed it, cos perhaps it was a hobby kind of thing. And above all, it was made entire with love.

Made it to Ang Khor Wat & Phnom Penh in March 08. Pretty much cool and a place that I've wanted to go always. Though it was sort of disappointing when my hope of having some sort of mysterious encounter in this ancient ruins was "ruined" with loads and loads of tourists, touting and more tourist. Still it was all good.

Diving trip no. 2 to Dayang! Fantastic visibility. Although it wasn't the best site, well, a dive is a dive.

My first time betting in the Casino in Genting Highlands. N Winning, N then getting conned by Chinese conman... brrr

Bought my first lot of Stock investment.

Met my beloved BiBi!!!

Did the Singapore "house viewing" thing.

and la di da di dah*...

I can't say it was a bad year for me, but it has left me highly undoubtedly dissatisfied with myself. Becos for one thing, and the most priced achievement was that I didn't do as well in my job.

A simple fact turned up. We almost always do well in your favorite subjects. For those we had to Ace just so we get into the job that PAYS BETTER, becomes a challenge and a drag eventually as we start to find less and less meaning in doing them.

I did use to like it, now I dunno. I've started to feel like I am wasting more time each day it wasn't turning out better. Time that I could have spent doing other things that gave me more happiness, purpose and fulfillment.

Question: how much more of those is needed to be done, and where am I headed with all this? next 10 years? or even just 5 years?

Answer: The longer I take, the more time I waste.

The more I try, and each time I didn't get the results I wanted, I started to felt less worthy. And the more my body life and mind was out of sync. I had diet problems, over eating, over sleeping, lack of zest, zest that I should jump out of bed every morning and smile widely to this world.

Precious time that won't return, we only live once.

I remember a "me" that was following her heart, doing the things that gave her life, things that made her feel alive.

Now, this heart is wavering and I feel torn between to sticking to it, or letting it go. Projecting everything into longer terms, i really can't see myself anywhere with it. Am I really going to be that Sales Super Woman?

This morning, I woke up to Agnes' diving pictures in Sipadan. And I finally woke up. I was feeling this quivering excitement through my guts, n I felt no need for food, not a slightest craving to munch. Yun calls this the "like u want to pee in ur pants".

I felt at peace with the excitement.

In a worldly sense, it's been hell on earth. The financial crisis and turmoil, people losing jobs, global economy slowing down tremendously, the Olympics torch run that put protests against China on international media, terrorist bombing in Mumbai, and, God only knows what's it gonna be with 2009.

with all these in perspective, all about "me" don't matter as much. However, finding my purpose is important.

As Bibi says it, having more money won't change the world, doing what we love will.

Bigger plans ahead in 2009, like a churning Phi's Addiction into full fledged business, visits to my friends in Portugal, Lithuania & Israel, giving out Cheeseballs to orphanages, Japan Solar Eclipse, Bibi & Bibi's new home, dive dive dive, sing sing sing, write a book, learn to paint, new additions to the menu, underground kitchen on Weekends, new directions and endless of experiences that make me pee in my pants.

Of course above all I love my bibi most :)

By the way, anybody knows what happened to the "LOVE" statue outside Fish & Co at the Glass House?