Tuesday

Tuesday, today, I lay on my bed for hours after hours. Just thinking.

Thinking how, why, who, what, if and dreaming about when.

I am not giving up, but I found myself stuck in a pit, don't know how to get out, can't really see what's outside.

So there is only me and myself to think things through. To find the answers to gather my confidence to stay alive.

There's help from somewhere, I hear an echo. Should I follow or should I stay and think somemore. I look around me, lo and behold I found a spade sitting here beside me. I had dug this pit for myself.

The echo shouts louder now, but only to save me, I'll have to leave myself behind in the pit.

I explained to myself, that I was digging a tunnel to a beautiful place. Now that I've lost the map and compass, I just need to ask myself which direction to dig more.

I wanted to know that I was right. I didn't want to chose the easy way and depend on help, leaving myself behind.

After hours, I am still thinking if I should continue to dig the tunnel. Or just listen to help.

Soon, I started to get comfortable with myself and in the pit. I got used to the darkness, and everything seems normal. Normal to be actually in a pit.

Once in a while, help tells me about the beautiful scenery and fresh air outside. That I should experience and love. But to have all that, I'd would need to climb and forget about myself. I would need to change my plans and forget about digging the tunnel.

I ask myself, why am I digging the tunnel?

It was so that I can do it by myself.

***

Help says, actually it's the same place we are going to. Same beautiful. This way is just easier, brighter and everybody has gone through this way.

Why do I dig the tunnel by myself?

No-one knows.

Where?

In the tunnel.

***

If I go, I'll never know about the tunnel. If it can be completed by myself.

Maybe it doesn't matter, I thought. Same happy place. I can have others besides myself.

But, I couldn't decide. I wanted to get out, but I was afraid to leave myself behind. And I wanted to know if it can be completed by myself.

No-one knows the tunnel.

***

Last of all, I was afraid that I would chose to be by myself. Can I trust no-one?