Age of Change, Beginning of the New Age

While I've lived my past 26 years in peace and comfort, the most difficult storms in life were borne by my father. Fighting and competing for our family's survival, giving all to exchange for a better life. But well, truly, the quarter of a century is the turn of the age. The old to past, and the new to begin.

It feels like everything is approaching the edge. Just this year, I had news of 3 uncles and 1 aunt having admitted to the hospital, and my grandmother's memory problem has deteriorated. Sometimes it's ok, and other times it just became general confusion, she didn't manage to sort out the Chinese New Year in order of 1) Chu - Xi Reunion Dinner, 2) Chu - Yi, and 3) Chu - Qi - Ren - Ri. Life is frail.

My computer also has memory problem. Insufficient memory and RAM to run Photoshop, and to store the photos and music that I have. In short, it needs to be upgraded. My phone screen got smashed, need to fix. The furniture in the house is old, the fridge too small, the sewing machine we use now was from my mum's dowry.

It's in need of some changes, improvements, and new beginnings. Starting from zero, it is a very real need for me to take on the new age, to make things better. Oh, how I've always hated competition and am reluctant to get into the viscous cycle of work life. I've never seen any light to that kind of commitment. Just selling my time for money, and then 20 years past...

Everytime I face the questions of what I want to do, first I have a myriad of thoughts flying through my head, but none that I can catch hold for any time long enough. And at the very edge of things, I become a realist. I need a job, I need the money, I do the job. Even though I know it will be a soul-less investment of time, I do it. The big plans are risky. And some plans will never work. Because an idealist's dreams, passions, work of art, may very possibly evaporate into nothing or crush like castles built on clouds.

But hell, dreams continue to burn inside... burn my brains, and I cannot hide my feelings... I even think I cannot be jaded. I find myself always looking for that extra surge, deeper experiences in life, and the moment of awakening. It is the spark about things, something to smile for, something to cry about.

Lost in my own thoughts, I feel somewhat suspended into mid-air. Neither here nor there, without compromise. Something needs to be done.