Blogging

I sat for about 30 mins at the computer... trying to put my thoughts together... and I found myself coming back to my work once again. I am consumed and exhausted by the need to think for every question and simulate the responses from other people, learning and trying to self-teach how to steer the direction of conversations. But I don't stop thinking about it. Cos I want to solve the big puzzle.

New job, new life. I really like that I am kept on my toes with this one. Teach me to be a little more responsible for myself. No more 9-5pm, but every min counts. So much to know and endless of learning. I just know I need to make it with this one.

I am in terribly debts. Debts that I borrowed from my the people around me. Well it is not a big amount but it's tough starting at Zero. I appreciate all their help. And I can't say more except to work my ass off and pay together with added love and attention.

And I still listen to Cocorosies and blog... Like I use to with a cat on my lap...

And I still smell the musky old house by the river...

Misleading

Sometimes I read back on my blog.. and I realised some parts could have been misleading... so just to clarify for one of the previous posts titled "Madness".

ie.
"... For example, my boyfriend leaves me => [OOPS.. MISREPRESENTED, that is to say, I was just stating a senario]. I want to think that I am a strong girl and I can handle the new life that I now have. Yet I am choking on tears and gasping for air and my face cringes..."

Sneezing Fits

yeps, the dust is in the air. Not gold dust though.. tsk tsk.
A-choooo...*snif*

Last weekend was unexpectedly busy. My sis decided to move home, and I had to pack out some of my stuff from the other room... those I have secretly chucked there to make space in my room... hehe so well, good time to do some spring cleaning.

Then I also helped nic and olivia move to their new place. They live just 10 mins walking away from my home.

hehe.. no wonder there's so much dust... everybody's movin..

Madness

Do you sometimes hear yourself talking in your head? I think most people do. Deciding which colour to wear, deciding what to eat, deciding what to do. If we only decided with 1 voice, then we won't take so long and there will be no conflict.
I think most women have more than 1 voice. maybe 3, I dunno.

Ronny said to me that we don't really have control over what we think.

I think it is quite true. We can probably design the guidelines on how we want to think. But what we really think about, there's no escaping.

For example, my boyfriend leaves me => [OOPS.. MISREPRESENTED, that is to say, I was just stating a senario]. I want to think that I am a strong girl and I can handle the new life that I now have. Yet I am choking on tears and gasping for air and my face cringes.

Yun says all the time, you make your own reality.

But sometimes, I think, isn't reality what things really are?... like some kind of underlying truth that exists in everything...

It seems people who live by making their own reality are happier and clearer about themselves. And others who allow life to take them along, seem to get lost more easily.

Recently, I have been absolutely pissed and annoyed by one thing. My ex-Company hasn't paid me my salary for February. Idiots. If needs be, I will end the world with them (as the chinese saying, "Tong Gui Yu Jin"). It's a small amount of money, but it's what I worked for. And if they don't pay, it's outright exploitation. People with no conscience to pay out salary to their staff are as good as the pigs feeding on trash.

We are all going to die one day, rich or poor, whatever you do. So why don't we try do some good before we disappear?

Heroes - The crazy marathon

{Heroes}... The crazy marathon we did last night for the thriller drama serial. 18 episodes in one night! Woohoo... we did it - me, Justin and Zad. In between I kinda heard Al's voice, saw Tim topless as they both rushed out to the airport for flight. Al was going for work, Tim was going to meet his gf Val in Hong Kong. How nice :) And then Gabby joined us towards chapter 14 I think... the one I dozed off...

Well I must say we were victorious at the end of it this morning 10am. and I have not quite slept yet. Infact, on my way home this morning, I felt alive. Alive for not having slept, and of course, the amazing drama serial replaying itself in my head.

I don't watch TV that much, but for those movies and drama about some spiritual awakening of the self, like discovering and fufiling a destiny, and exploring the greater purpose in life, deeper understanding of past-present-future, like a being a special hero to save the world, like in {Heroes}, like in {Lost}, I am sold.

somewhere in it, said, the choice is between true happiness and the meaning of life. To be a happy "dumb" or to ponder on the meaning in past, present, and future life. Complexity. Can a human brain not think for one second? Can you not think and smile happily for eternity?

I am definitely a complex being.

"I think, therefore I am." - René Descartes